Sterno’s Pad

They've instructed me to start looking as soon as possible...

2005-09-27T21:35:00.000-07:00

...for a new apartment in the Chicagoland area. I heard from design girl that the managers are going to offer me the job I interviewed for on Friday! Actually, the text message was "C said to tell u 2 start looking 4 apartments". I should hear about the salary specs tomorrow, but yeah...they liked me/my ability enough to push me through the second/third interviews and get the paperwork going.

SUH~WEET.

You know...they've been overwhelmed with everything as of late, from what I understand, and usually, when this ort of thing occurs, you can do one of two things...

Either hire on the A-Team...or bring in additional help. Thank GOD B.A. Barracus is retired, Face is hosting C-list celebrity cruises, Hannibal croaked...and who the hell knows what happened to Murdock?

Yeah, I know the A-Team's members by heart. What of it?

Congratulations to Shoo, too, for landing a new job in his field. It's going to be fun watching him try to figure out ways to spend all of his newfound disposable income. I mean, he's already plunked down some decent bank on his new digicam/video recorder, and now he's looking into a new ride? Oh, when will the madness end?

Congrats to Melissa Marie for slamming her brand new VW bug into another car driven by a 15 year old with a learner's permit. Don't feel bad, Melissa. I had an accident with my honda when it only had 250 miles on the odometer. At least I knew the airbags worked after that.

Congrats to K-Y Gel-Wagon, who has lost the weighted equivelant of a fourth grader in body fat. You're looking great man. I'm struggling to withhold my inner urges to give you a bear hug and pick you up whenever I see you. I did that with Natty the other night, and I felt a tweak in my back.

Oh, and I played some roller hockey the other night with Steve-O and a few of his buddies at Skateland. Yeah. I'll take whatever form of hockey I can get nowadays. I think that I might have a problem with trash talking out there when I play. And then I cross checked the goalie when he was laying on the floor. All of this in a ROLLER hockey game. Guhhhhreasy.

Damn.

You might be a child from the 80's if...

2005-09-22T00:33:00.000-07:00

(stolen unceremoniously from baseboard.net)

Probably written by a woman, but damn. She nails a ton of memories on this one.

I put the ones that I experienced in bold. And no, I never had a poster of Bon Jovi or Michael J Fox in my bedroom. Filthy lies.

You wanted to be on Star Search. (Didn't we all?)
You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off. Or even when he had those freaky eyes in "Thriller" at the end of the video.
You wore a banana clip or one of those slap on wrist bands at some point during your youth.
You wore French rolls on the bottom of your splatter painted jeans.
You had slouch socks, and puff painted your own shirt at least once.
You owned a doll with 'Xavier Roberts' signed on it's butt.
You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout."
You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off."
You can name at least half of the members of the elite "Brat Pack."
You can remember watching Full House and Saved by the Bell for endless hours.
You have seen at least 10 episodes of Fraggle Rock.
You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer."
You'll always hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future."
You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your name."
You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool. (Was there an 80's movie she WASN'T in?)
You know what "psych" means.
You fell victim to 80's fashion: big hair, crimped, combed over to the side, and you wore spandex pants.
You wanted to be a Goonie ("Goonies never say die.")
You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince."
You ever wore fluorescent—neon if you will—clothing...
You could breakdance, or wished you could.
You know who Max Headroom is.
You know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song.
You remember when ATARI was a state-of-the-art video gaming system.
You own any cassettes or albums.
You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.
You remember and/or own any of the Care Bear glass collection from Pizza Hut.
"Poltergeist" totally freaked you out.
You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
You wanted to communicate with Synergy, or you wanted green hair like that lead singer of the Misfits. See Jem.
You inserted the word "like" into, like, every sentence.
You know what a Doozer is. See Fraggle Rock.
You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish.
You ever had a Swatch Watch.
You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the care-bear stare.
You had a crush on one of the Coreys (Haim or Feldman).
You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
You had Wonder Woman or Superman Underoos.
You have worn a Banana Clip, or knew someone who did.
You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.
You have heard of "Garbage Pail Kids" (and perhaps still have a collection of them).
Extra point You have seen the Garbage Pail Kids TV show. (Only one episode was aired.)
You had a crush on Bo Derek.
Punks actually "shocked" people.
You wanted to be The Hulk or Rainbow Brite for Halloween.
You believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!"
You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
You know what a "Whammy" is. ("No Whammy, no whammy, stop!")
Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
Songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day.
3 words: "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound familiar?
You remember the days that hooking your computer into your TV wasn't an expensive option that required gadgets - it was the ONLY WAY to use your computer!
You remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV.
You ever owned a pair of "Pop-Wheels"—that handy little combination of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market.
You're PO'd that you couldn't really participate in the 60's, pissed that you were a part of the 70's, think you wasted too much time doing stupid, meaningless things in the 80's, and still have no clue what the 90's are all about.
While in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.
You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was.
You were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were probably watching in school at the time).
You watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you're older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time.
You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases:
"When I was younger"
"When I was your age"
"You know, back when..."
"Because I SAID so, that's why"
"What the HECK is this noise on the radio?"
"Just can't (fill in the blank) like I used to"
You can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T involve 49,000 selections to choose from.
Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.
You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video.
At one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm.
"Celebration" by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first heard it at a school dance.
The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.
There were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of "Skip" "Buffy" "Muffy" or "Dexter."
You ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons.
You used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool and the thought that Mr. T made millions seemed rational to you at the time.
You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old big wheel quite obsolete.
You've gotten this far on the list and aren't totally confused.
The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.
You read the "Hot Video Games Player's Secrets" guide for Mortal Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old time's sake
You're starting to believe that maybe 30 isn't so old after all, and it's those people over 40 you have to look out for.
Your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting."
You've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay?
You're starting to get that "why aren't you married yet" spiel, not just from parents, but now from friends that are married.
You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.
When someone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end.
You remember "Hey, let's be careful out there."
You're parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes, anyway.
You had a crush on Jon Bon Jovi, or knew someone who did.
You thought eating Reese's Pieces would attract your own Alien.
Your name is Jennifer or Jason.
You have ever called 867-5309.
You had a poster of Rob Lowe, Kirk Cameron, or Michael J. Fox on your wall.
You held the top score on Pac-Man.
You owned a t-shirt that said, "I shot J.R." or know someone who did.
This rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."
You HAD to have your MTV
You know what a "burnout" is.
You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans were cool.
You remember when Madonna was just hitting the scene.
You remember the original version of Windows: Macintosh.
You thought "Weird Science" was a masterpiece.
You remember any or all of the following: Echo & the Bunnymen, Cutting Crew, Scritti Politti, or Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark.
Chevy Chase was really funny in those vacation movies.
You actually know who Rick Springfield is
You remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.
You jammed to the Miami Vice theme and thought Jan Hammer was cool.
Guys: You remember when a guy piercing his ear was radical to the max, but did it anyhow.

New comic, and a quick refresher

2005-09-21T23:33:00.000-07:00

So...

I've begun the new job. Corporate training for the next three weeks. The women I work with are all really excellent people, and they're doing their best not to get too worked up when I doodle on my notepads while I'm going over the online tutorials. Good deal, since I've never been able to sit at a desk without doodling in the margins of my papers.

I am going up to Chicago area for an interview tomorrow night after work. The interview is actually Friday morning, but rather than leave here at 4am, I think I'll just get a hotel room and go in fresh.

Freelance work has been kicking my ass lately. I have bags under the bags under my eyes. I've developed such a ridiculous tolerance for espresso that I can drink ten shots in my coffees during the day, and still crash as soon as my head hits the pillow at night. I have no social life outside of work. I've alienated just about every girl I've been flirting with in the past few months. BUT... I love the direction my comic strip is heading lately.

I'm tired, but I'm doing what I always wanted to do. Well, aside from that day job thing.

I have faith in myself. I see signs every day that make me wonder if fate is more than an imaginary concept. I'm sleep deprived, too. Did I mention this? Three people told me last week that they hoped I will remember them when I'm a famous artist. Three people this week have spoken to me about the importance of doing what you love...following your passion. Well, I think it's obvious what mine is. (who just yelled, "porn!"?)

If the comic I'm posting for your perusal is stupid, then at least you know why. I like it. I've been on a few set-ups...blind dates...a handful...enough to know how fruitless and completely hilarious the outcomes tend to be. I've asked some girls about THEIR personal experiences on blind dates. I'm willing to admit that without their stories today, I would never have dreamt that shoes are a factor in a first impression with girls. I guess that's either a good reason for me to a)buy some nicer shoes, or b) be relieved that I haven't attracted the type of girl that would frown upon me because I was wearing my steel toes.

Oh wait-I did date that one girl last fall/winter. Damned fashion snob. I used to tight roll my jeans before going over to her place just for the expression she'd give me. hehe

OK. Wish me luck on the job interview on Friday, people!

ahhh, and in case you pick up the Times this week and my comic's not in it...

The editor was expressing some (last minute) reservations about offending the deaf demographic. And to think...I was envisioning senior citizens when I was finalizing the concept. huh.

You want an update? HUH? Do ya?? HUH???

2005-09-16T14:34:00.000-07:00

Fine. You know what...I'm gonna give you an update. So get off my ass. Here's what's new:

• I had the distinct pleasure of peeing into a cup for a drug test yesterday. No worries about the outcome (I haven't smoked trees for a long time, and low body fat=low solubility in terms of thc retention). Awkward moment when the cute technician was chatting me up and flirting (really) as she was labelling the vial of my urine. Yep. I couldn't make this one up if I tried.

• In related news, I had to get fingerprinted for the new job today at the county jail. Yep. I found out that inmates can have two visitors at a time...either two adults or one adult, one child (So can convicted priests have two altar boys visit at once? Or will they make an exception and allow an adult to supervise?). I also had to get a personal going-over when they couldn't determine why the metal detector kept going off when I tried to enter the courthouse. Guess what, kids? Steel toed boots really WILL set off a metal detector. Guess that little nugget o' wisdom will be handy the next time I have to get on a plane.

• I finished my last day of work in the gym on Wednesday. My 82-year old client brought me two packages of quality columbian...coffee, and a nice hallmark moment to boot. Aside from that, a shitload of hugs from sweaty, appreciative clients. I'll take what I can get (hey peanut gallery- shuddup).

• I went to the Illinois Times' shindig last night, and for the most part I stayed close to Sue and her man Aron. Good times- I met the publisher, talked to the editor (and was told I will be getting compensated pretty well for last weekend's endeavors), and even ran into one of the owners of the ad agency here in town that I seem to continually reference on here as a potential full time gig. She was with one of their graphic designers. One of their new graphic designers. That's been there for about 4 months... Which is about two months shorter than I have waited to hear about a full time position opening up for ME. Anyway...I'm settling in to either 1)establish my own design studio locally, or 2) stop having any crazy ass reservations about moving back to a metropolitan area where I can make better bank and get paid accordingly.

• I crashed out early last night, so in case you're reading this and you called me last night looking to see where I was, and why I wasn't coming out...you know why. Nothing personal. I wish I DID make it out last night so that I could have witnessed CS working his game on TTJ's girlfriend. Why do I always miss out on the good shit?

• Three people have told me that I had better not forget about them when I make it big and become famous...in the last three days. I love this sense of optimism...and I think this is one of the best parts about being published again. Yes, I think I have a healthy sense of ego in terms of my illustration. No, I'm not a snob. I'll readily admit to anyone that I used to be a huge comic book geek in grade school. What of it?

•Melissa just got a new VW bug. I need a new car pretty soon...well, probably not-it's a Honda and has about 300K more miles left on it, I'm sure...

I'm thinking about something cool. Something streamlined, sleek, and modern. Whaddaya think?

GO CARDINALS!

The comic will not be published this week...

2005-09-12T09:35:00.000-07:00

..but I was asked to do the illustrations for the Best Of Springfield edition, so I'll still be getting some love on the printed page. That's the reason I wasn't out at all this weekend. I had a few Labatt Bloos and a few Dewars n' waters while I worked like a frenzied maniac, but for the most part I was resolved to being chained in front of my drafting board and computer all weekend long.

Cool thing is, the illustrations are tight, considering I had such a fast turnaround on them.

Opening the entire best of section, this is as per the staff's request. I swear, it wasn't my idea to put a lumberjack in drag on the pages... But the other one is my concept for a nightlife section.

There are a few more that will be put in the pages, but since they would give away a few of the winners of the categories, I will hold off on putting them up. Well, that, and the fact that these are the two I like the most.

Wednesday is my last day training people at the gym. Whoot... I think I'll take advantage of my new free time and go play some ice hockey Thursday afternoon. My belly's growing from all of the inactivity I've had lately.

How was everyone else's weekend? Anybody else going to the Card v cub game next weekend? Booyah, bitches.

Next Week's Comic is done.

2005-09-08T21:35:00.000-07:00

And now...back to the drafting table.

Whoo hoooOOooo

I am Jack's Utter Contempt for Political Correctness

2005-09-08T11:29:00.000-07:00

Yeah, and so it goes on.

I peeved K off by amusing myself with posting links to my blog after his own self advertising on Shoo's blog. The ensuing drama wasn't my intention, but again...am I a jerk to find that amusing as well? I find it difficult to read inflections when reading things on the net. So... in case you can't tell I was messing around, K... ;)

I have a difficult time reading people's blogs when they misspell EVERYTHING. Not difficult words, but words like "gor"...or go, rather. ;)

I love Calvin and Hobbes, but I hate the State Journal Register for reprinting the comic. Fuck them. Make some room for some new talent. Even Bill Watterson would agree that there are certain strips out there that should have been shelved years ago, but they continue to be produced in a production line fashion, or reprinted, because there are newspaper editors that lack the balls to put something new out there.

Yes, I take it personally.

I have to scan and color the new comic for the Times this evening. I need to get about 40-60 sketches prepared for the new client for a meeting tomorrow morning. I need to update my portfolio with the latest work I've been doing. I need to revise a newsletter.

I need a few more days in the week.

If I had tourettes, this is where I would start screaming "Shit! Cock! Fartknocking Cocksucker!!ASSSSSSS!!!!"

But I don't, so just disregard that last sentence.

Random Comments...

I milked a sheep the other night, but then it turned out I wasn't milking it, and it wasn't really a sheep.

I saw the face of God the other morning after I got out of the shower. Then I realized it was the face of an angel. Then I finished shaving and went about my day.

Ali shouldn't stop blogging. I mean, just when she started posting pix of her boobs?? WTF.

I should have studied how to become a billionaire when I was in college, but the course wasn't offered. Poor sucks.

I think that Sesame Street has effectively castrated the Cookie Monster by making him preach the benefits of vegetables and fruit. Let the boys be boys, and the monsters eat whatever the fuck they want. In related news, Oscar the Grouch has become displaced by the Hurricane and is seeking refuse elsewhere.

I smacked myself for that last one. Pun was for shit.

Some griping and bitching.

2005-09-06T12:08:00.000-07:00

As Jeff would say, "I'm feeling the flow today".

Yep. I'm in a mediocre mood. The news on tv for the last week has been lousy, and I feel that this is a self-indulgence that will strike readers as trivial and inconsequential in comparison to the severity of the aftermath of the hurricane, the media's orgy of coverage on the aftermath down in the south, and everything else that's going on...but fuck it. Read on if you want to know something other than how bodies are floating in the flood waters, thousands of people have become displaced , and that mother in Aruba has finally given up her hopes of finding her daughter and left to return to the States.

I'm a lame duck trainer. Given my two weeks notice here, and I'm ready to get the hell outta here. I can already feel the eyes of the owner staring on me when he's here, probably wondering why I decided to move on...he's wondering why I wasn't content to make bank for him while he pays me sub-$10/hr? Yeah...about that, bucko.

The comic strip has led to some new freelance work, and that seems to be going well. I've got a good side job already from it, and it makes up for the lack of compensation for the comic itself. I knew this going in, and I'm cool with it. I dig the exposure from the publication, and hopefully I can get some more clients out of it. I ran into an old friend at the Brewhouse the other night who told me it was cool seeing my stuff in the paper again, but it seems to him that it's PG humor...not what he recalls from the college strip I drew. Well, yeah. My demographic isn't frat boys and cynical college students anymore. I have to broaden the strips appeal a little, ya know?

I'm holding out hope with my friend, Design Girl, on her offer to snag an interview with her office for me in the near future. It sounds like a great position, great benefits, and overall...a great opportunity to get my tail back to the North. Cross yer fingers people. I am. As far as the other job position I interviewed for last week...still have yet to hear from the regional manager, but I've been assured he's going to contact me this week to go over the final details on the job. The old saying, "Don't count yer chickens before they hatch" comes to mind. Oh well, I was ready to move on from this gym anyway.

Shoo and I were talking the other night about the new jobs I MIGHT be landing, and how nice it would be for me to finally have a job that would afford me a little disposable income. Yeah, what the fuck is THAT? I haven't had a decent job position since I graduated in 2001...already starting to forget what it felt like to have a few grand in my account balance. All that stuff I gripe about wanting to buy for myself; laptop, new road bike, design studio; might be time to get some plans together for it.

But back to that old saying again.

Anyway...there's that, and then there's reality.

Shit.

Addendum: Gilligan, aka Maynard G. Krebs, aka Bob Denver passed away last night. RIP, little buddy.

Working on Labor Day

2005-09-05T11:10:00.000-07:00

This sucks. I'm in the gym on a national holiday. Nothing else is open, including the coffee shops I like to go to for my jolt before I work. So I'm crashing hard, feeling sluggish, and stuck listening to lite rock fm with noone on the schedule until 4pm. Fold and staple the fliers, Sterno! I cringe every time I hear the gym owner say those words...those exact words...to me. I wrote my letter giving 2 weeks' njotice today, and I'm already ready to get outta here. No fanfare, nothing. Just...get.me.outta.here.

Weekend was fun, and I'm gonna leave it at that.

Sigh. I need a new job asap.

Next one...batter up!

2005-09-02T00:15:00.000-07:00

Again...it's 2:15am. I'm done. Out. Hope you guys (especially the local ones) like the new comic. It's a little different, but then..so am I. :)

Another quiz...

2005-08-30T20:04:00.000-07:00

I was googling some pictures to use as reference for my next comic tonight and I stumbled across this website. Although most of you will probably dismiss it as a REALLY stupid waste of time, I thought it was funny enough to post the link here.

A sample of the questions:

Question 6: Real World Applications
If you were Superman, what would be the most common applications of your super powers when you weren't fighting the forces of evil and righting all that is wrong?

A: Looking at Clark Kent's co-workers naked, of course.

B: Eat lava just because you could. Do it in front of your friends and tell them it's glow in the dark candy. The stupid ones will try it too and light on fire.

C: Crush coal into diamonds until you have enough to build the world's most rad to the max water slide park.

D: Fight Richard Pryor. Not the one in the wheelchair who taught us how to laugh, the evil one that did the computer fraud stuff.

E: Flying into people's windows, making faces and screaming, "Blggghbggblggh!" Save the world my ass, I'm going to use my powers to make people pee.

F: Not applicable. "My constant crusade for truth and justice offers me little time for recreation!" *Whoosh!*

G: Redecorate the Fortress of Solitude. Maybe put a plant over there, and a lamp to bring more light into the reading area. Giggle! Oh, this looks as super as my cape!

Yes, I realize the author says "rad to the max". We're talking about comic book nerds, anyway. Shit, people.

And no, I'm not telling what the new comic's gonna be about. A hint: it involves a Michael Jackson-like appearance.

What is it with being so damned sick all of a sudden?

2005-08-30T11:14:00.000-07:00

I feel miserable. Deja Vu, people. Last Monday, and then again yesterday...I have a monster cold that is making me feel like shit. On a side note, allow me to update you with the latest and greatest...

I met with a woman that liked my writeup and illustration style in the paper, and wants me to do some freelance illustration work for her learning materials. My initial meeting with her this morning went really well, and I have to deliver some preliminary materials and an estimate to her on Thursday. Again...the trick thing here is feeling out how much I can justify charging. Fair and reasonable, yes...but not to the point where I feel like a cheap, smelly hooker after the job is delivered.

I can name three readers that are going to make snide comments from that last sentence. Dorks.

I have been interviewing with a financial company here in town the last few days as well, and I think that I'm going to be offered a job here soon. It's primarily customer service, and I'd be the only guy in an office full of women. Been there before...I know how to keep my mouth shut when I have to. Really. The best part about this is that the manager is a cool girl, and a former hockey player herself.

Not bad for a GIRL.

The job will have great benefits, stressful duties, and no internet...but it pays twice what the gym is paying, and I can deal. Hell, it's even located midway between my place and my gym that I belong to...so I can go workout in the winter without the trip being a huge hassle. NOICE.

I also bought a new phone the other day..a motorola razr...I'm such a tech dork. It's cool though. If you don't have the new number and you need it, you know how to get a hold of me. And if you DON'T...there's probably a good reason for that.

yeah.

Second Week's Comic...

2005-08-26T00:18:00.000-07:00

So...2:15am...

Save the criticism until after I get some rest.

Hope you yahoos like it a little bit.

ARRrRRGH...WHAT the FU¢K?!?!??

2005-08-24T20:28:00.000-07:00

Yo. I hate this guy just as much as the next guy, primarily because of those godawful 1800 collect commercials he did a few years ago. This might also explain why the red headed stepchild decided to start bulking up, because if he was a runt, everyone and their dog would try to take a piss on him if they came across him. I'm not saying I couldn't whip his ass, but some people would hesitate a little longer if they say this demon-freak crossing their path in a dark alley. Besides that, does this fugly bastard wear mascara or something?

The hair is another fashion statement, I'm presuming. Similar to guys that will wear pink shirts with the collars popped, carrot top is obviously trying to goad us into staring at him with hate rays emanating from our eyeballs. Not that I have anything against pink shirts with popped collars..coffcoffKOSTAcoff...but I have witnessed the looks you can get when you wear that shit out.

Carrot Top is so gay it makes my balls shrivel up and cower in fear betwixt my thighs. Will someone PLEASE give this hag a better belt? FER THE LUVVA CHRIST

Randomness again

2005-08-23T11:16:00.000-07:00

So I'm feeling better today-amazing what a 15 hour nap can do for a fever and chills...

I thought I would die yesterday at work. Nobody was able to fill in for me, so I was stuck training clients for seven hours or so. Hopefully nobody was exposed to my nasty bug. I worked with another trainer from 3 on, and the guy was killin me. He was a far cry from my normal co-worker, A, and I wasn't happy with the fact that he didn't try to help me close down the gym after the last client. I mean, come ON...can you PLEASE get away from playing dominoes on the computer long enough to unrack the weights on the machines so that we can get the hell outta here earlier?? Bastard.

I have a busy night ahead of me when I get home too. I need to lay out my sister's newsletter for her, ink my comic strip, and clean my room up a bit. Thursday will mark the first edition of the Illinois Times with my comic strip, so everyone that reads this, locally...read it. READ IT, damn it! hehe

I need to do some clothes shopping too...I noticed that my belts are all too large, and my shorts are humongous. I have the unintentional baggy look goin on, and it's not like I've been dieting. I know-you guys are probably laughing and playing the world's smallest violin for me, but damn...how do I keep losing weight like this? I think I have a tapeworm. With a healthy appetite.

No hockey last night. I decided that sleep was in order instead. There was an article in the SJ-R this morning in the VOICE section that was about one of te kids that skates out on the ice every Monday evening with the guys-she's the daughter of Pete Crawford, the former coach of the Jr. Blues, and she's not too bad...for a girl. hehe

Anyway...that's that. Holla atcho boy, yo.

Birthday Weekend Madness

2005-08-22T10:00:00.000-07:00

Ouch. I have a sore throat today, and my body feels every bit like an 85 yr old man...but I figure it's most likely due to that flu that seems to be creeping around the 'patch.

OK...so here's how the last few days have panned out:

Thursday evening, I went out with Shoo to Browns and Brewhaus, and we were generally all kinds of messed up. OK, make that ME. I was drinking and the beer was going down waaay too easily. Hopefully everyone that I came across wasn't too offended by my state.

Friday was rough-simply because I didn't really sleep too well the night before, and I was hurting from the boozing aforementioned. I grabbed a 5 shot mocha before I went to Shoo's BBQ at 7:30 or so, and the caffeine carried me thyrough for a few hours. In fact, the party was a blast, and I was in good shape up until my midnight hour rolled around. At that point, the huge, free birthday drinks started to cross my path, and I began to feel the effects of the liquor. Long night short, I ended up in the basement of SHoo's neighbor, passed out with his dog wrapped around me and my hockey stick leaned up against the wall. Yeah. Rough night.

Yesterday (I stayed in on Saturday to work on my comics and recuperate) I played some roller hockey with Shoo's roommate Kyle, and went for a walk in the park last night. I think I got some sun, so the winter pallor is gone for a while longer. I woke up this morning feeling like ass, and here I am, in the gym, awaiting my first client. I want to die...or crawl up in the fetal position and stay like that for 48 hours. I hate feeling sick.

Thanks to everyone that went out and partied with me on Thursday and Friday, by the way. You made my night.

Quick Update before the Weekend hits (and it will hit...hard)

2005-08-18T12:48:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. A few things that have been going on recently:

The local newspaper likes my comic, and they're requesting that I get off my ass and draft up three more quick, just in case I get sidelined by the plague and they have some extras on file. Cool. Better yet, they are giving me the go-ahead to do them in color...so my investment in an intuos pad last fall is going to start becoming a smart idea...even if it did cost me an arm and a leg. I'm stoked to get a chance to get published in color. It's like Sunday comics...dessert for a comic strip artist.

My birthday is Saturday, and although Kyle refrained from putting up my age (I'll be a crotchety old 29), I'm feeling young as hell. Acting even younger (I made a farting noise while standing behind a client doing her shoulder presses yesterday). Anyone that would like to raise a few beers with me is welcome-Shoo's hosting a bbq at his place tomorrow evening for preparty and I doubt he'd be opposed to having some extra comic relief...so please feel welcome to email me or call me if you're interested. Otherwise, you can meet up with the gang later when we all go out. I'd love to see you all out. The more, the merrier.

More later. Thanks for taking the time out of your busy workdays to read my blog. Slackers.

Evil Eye

2005-08-18T12:17:00.000-07:00

I hate it when it does that...
(From left: Shoo, Kyle, and yours truly...sending mad thoughts your way, bitches)

(and I think Shoo may have been sneaking some wacky tobaccy while we weren't lookin'...)

Pix from Chicago

2005-08-18T12:12:00.000-07:00

Shooey's put up some pictures from our weekend excursion to the windy city...

Check 'em out.

I'm the one in the Blackhawks t-shirt (of course...hockey freak that I am)

Finally..done.

2005-08-17T08:15:00.000-07:00

Return of the Jock

2005-08-16T11:32:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhhh....my GOD, I feel like a new man today. I played hockey again last night and I played about twenty times better than the last time a few weeks ago. My legs were stronger, my passes were crisper and were finding their targets, and I actually scored a few goals off of my backhand shots. All in all, I can honestly say that there is a huge difference between these past few scrimmages and the last few times I played while I was living up in Chicago. For one, I'm about twenty pounds lighter, and my upper body strength is better than it has been since I played in college.

I recognized an old hockey teammate last night near the end of the game (Maynard G. Krebs), and we stood around on the ice and talked for a while. I asked him about the men's league that plays in the fall, and whether or not he thinks I would be able to hang with some of those duffers. He looked somewhat surprised when I asked him that, and told me that I would probably skate circles around 3/4 of the guys that do play. Which is a nice thought...I would love to get back in the swing of things again and play some semi-competitive games again.

Someone else told me last night in the locker room he was scared shitless a few times when he was playing against me out there...apparently I was forechecking(me? FORECHECK?? What is this world coming to?) a few times and came pretty close to running straight through him out there. Of course, being a non-contact scrimmage, and the fact that the guy wasn't the best skater out there, I never would have done that, but nevertheless, when I would spray the dude with ice every time I stopped just short of bowling his ass over, he got nervous. hehe...good times.

I stopped by Browns afterwards and visited with some friends there while I was cooling down, but they all had a good chuckle seeing me all revved up from my practice. Just think how they're going to like me after I play an actual game this fall? Think I'm bouncing off the walls now?

Sheeeeeyit.

My birthday is coming up this Saturday. Preparty at Shooey's, and out and about later? Might be a plan. In fact...Shoo, why not host a bbq? Might be a great excuse to fire it up.

Oh. I visited Johnston's skate shop today before work and dropped about 50 bucks on getting my skates sharpened (lost an edge last night at one point and went into the boards hard...fockin embarassing, but oh well-happens to everyone), a new set of waxed laces (currently my skates look goonish as hell with the one white-one black set up), and two new ballcaps. They had the new team cap for my old hockey team, and how the hell can you pass on an illinois hockey hat? You can't. That's right.

I haven't felt this good for years.

Chitown madness

2005-08-15T12:30:00.000-07:00

AY yoOOOoo...

So the recap goes a lil sumthin like this:

- Had a few beers after work at DH Browns after work on Friday evening, but got back in by 9pm

-Worked Saturday morning, and stayed in on Saturday evening...basically dorked it out.

- Woke up at 7am on Sunday, ran some errands, met up with Shoo, Kyle, and Ed and we drove up to Chicago...

Chicago was fun...lunc at Giordanos with the guys;Teddy, Shoo's friend Melanie (?), and Kyle's sister joined up with us there; We walked to Wrigley after that to wait for good seats in the bleachers;got admittance at 5pm, watched batting practice, then the game at 7pm...

Cubs won. Fuckers. By this point it was 11pm, and the guys wanted to leave immediately to get home as early as possible. I know Kyle had to work at 6:30, and Shoo at 8am or so, and the ride...SUCKED. I hate that drive.

I'm at work now, jammin out to some funky beats, and thinking about playing some ice this evening. How was everyone else's weekend?

I am...the angry blogger.

2005-08-10T18:59:00.000-07:00

I fucked up and missed my personal deadline to finish my comic this week. I suck.

As it happened, I pulled a 180 on the design at about 10pm last night and it wiped out any preconceived notions I may have previously held about wrapping this comic up on time.

Yeah, as if you give a shit.

Yeah, I'll be finishing it up by Friday more likely.

Yeah, I was just looking for a reason to use that little animation for something. Personally, the ending sequence with the eyeballs poppin' and the head collapse...

I'm sick. Yup. Heard that befo', yo.

Peace in the Middle East. Outtie. Word. I'm jettin. Sweetness. Holla. YAYO.

So..fucking..weird.

Phil Collins sucks and yet they insist on playing his entire collection on the radio all of the time...

2005-08-09T12:13:00.000-07:00

For lack of a better title. That should suffice.

So I helped my father blacktop the driveway this morning. All 150 yards of it. Ugh. Tar fumes made me hallucinate, and I started thinking I was in Shawshank Redemption...you know...the scene where they were on top of the roof tarring in the summertime? "And so it came to be that we sipped on ice cold beers courtesy of the toughest screw that worked at Shawshank. And he even made himself seem magnanimous"...or something to that effect.

Slow day again in the gym. I have to go draw the rest of the strip this evening when I get off of work, and I don't know how long it will take, but I set my deadline for tomorrow, so I will get this fecker finished.

Taking a page from Kyle's post today, I'll just put this out there: Ladies, if you have a crush on me, feel free to send me an email telling me so. I enjoy long walks on the beach at sunset, and I enjoy watching movies cuddles up on a sofa...oh, and horseback riding too. hehehe

YAWN. So there you have it. I'm tired, I want a vacation, and I want a new desk job.

Post a comment people-Tell me what your ideal job would entail, and then list three characteristics of your ideal match.

Mine? I want to be a professional illustrator, work for myself, and be able to work from my own studio at home. My ideal match? A woman that has a great sense of humor, physically fit, and someone that I can trust entirely. Shouldn't be too difficult right to find her right? ha.

Monday Blah Blah Blah...and so it goes on.

2005-08-08T12:29:00.000-07:00

So...the weekend was hectic, and I made it out three nights in a row. For me, that's a small miracle nowadays. Drunk as hell on Friday, happily buzzed on Saturday, and bored out of my mind last night. Saw an ex-girlfriend out on Saturday night but didn't make any attempts to make eye contact, nor talk to her. Crazy was her middle name...I mean, anyone that you date after three weeks that gets pissy when you admit not giving much thought to moving in with each other? Psycho.

Ice time again tonight. I'm psyched. Already retaped my stick and my legs are geared up for their second time around. 9-10:30 if anyone cares to watch me get the shit beat outta myself at Nelson Center. Or vice versa...although I doubt I've got the balance to throw down now. (edit: cancelled for tonight. Next week fo' sho.)

My little octegenarian was crying when she arrived at the gym today. I asked why, and she told me she has to go have her dog put to sleep this afternoon. There went my coffee buzz. I took it even easier on her, the other employees asked me why I was so quiet ("Haven't you had your coffee, Sterno?")...and I gave her a hug after we were done. I feel terrible for her. That dog was her life. So sad.

Oh-and I met my friend from Illinois Times on Friday evening too-Susan, if you read this, I want you to know that your editor will be getting my comic on Wednesday. Swear. I had a great idea for a new comic last night and I'll be drafting it this week. I think it's going to be hilarious. Then again, I laugh at a lot of stupid shit...so I may be off a bit. Oh well...expect something for the new edition.

Blake-Happy birthday, fool. Send me some pix of the party, ok? Glad to see you're still up to no good. Bitch ass.

A couple more to get you chuckling...

2005-08-07T10:00:00.000-07:00

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here"
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How ! much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again
_______________________________________________

A blind man finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 180-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you really wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah.....Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
_______________________________________________

Happy Birthday to Shoodog

2005-08-05T12:55:00.000-07:00

Time for the firehose, bitch-ass.

The big Two-Fo. Met up with him at Brewbakers for a coffee this morning, and I had a good laugh at seeing him looking completely disheveled and hung over from the previous night's festivities. Ahh...to be young(er) again. hah

Tonight he's having a little fete at Browns, and my pal Teddy will be arriving later on to join in the hangover-inducing craziness. Good stuff, good stuff.

Random thought: I caught a few minutes of The Price is Right, and laughed at the cute stoner chick that was making her bid on the showcase at the end...she priced her bid at something like $34,420. She laughed at her own stoner joke when she said it. I think the woman she was competing against laughed even harder when it turned out the stoner chick underbid by about ten thousand. Dumbass. And that was a nice brass bed she lost out on. haha ;)

Well, the week went fast...and the weekend is guaranteed to go faster. Ciao, bitches.

Shoo-Inspired...My all time greatest bike wipeouts

2005-08-04T08:02:00.000-07:00

Ah yes...there's a reason I actually wear a helmet nowadays when I go for my long rides. I'm a clutz. This might be the most telling reason for why I picked up hockey so fast when I was younger-head-to-toe protective padding. But before then, and even after, I have had a few great, albeit pride-diminishing, bike crashes. Wipeouts, endos, you name it. Been there, done that. So, in no particular order...

1)When I was 14, my dad had a road bike that I would occasionally borrow for my own use, and one day I was riding through Washington Park, doing a few laps, and I looked over to the side and there was a wedding party on the pavilion to my right. I was looking long enough to fail to notice the curb was curving to the left, and my front tire started skidding alongside the curb. Next thing you know, I was on my ass, skidding along on the grass alongside the road, and the entire wedding party was staring over at me. A few "Hey kid, are you ok?"'s, and I was up in a flash, riding away like a bat out of hell. Idiot!

2) Riding along the lake path up in Chicago, I was busting ass, when some jackass on his mountain bike decided to take a blind left turn to get off of the path. In front of me. With no warning. My mountain bike flew into his front tire, then ended up throwing me down on the gravel..yeah, gravel..as I skidded another 15 feet with my bike, his bike, and HIM all on top of me. His bike's tire was taco'ed, and he seemed fine. I, on the other hand, had scraped the shit out of my palms, my shoulder and my side. The asshole ended up carrying his bike off the trail (no terse words from me, I just wanted to get home and clean my wounds), and I made sure my bike was kosher before I too picked myself up and rode the last 7 miles home. Ow. My friend Rick was on the back porch of my apartment when I arrived back, and he told me that you could hear my screams of agony reverberate throughout the apartment complex when I was soaping my wounds in the shower. That sucked. Picking gravel out of your shoulder? Yeah. I didn't mention I was riding without a shirt on, huh?

3) Again, on Lake Shore path...I was big on riding from my apartment to Navy Pier in the morning, and back again. About twenty miles or so...good ride. I was on my way back one morning when I started to hear a clicking noise coming from the front end of my mountain bike...it happened every time I hit a bump on the path. I was wondering what the heck this sound might be, but not being the sharpest tool in the shed, I didn't slow down. Nope. Instead, going breakneck speed, I figured I'd try to figure out what the problem was by yanking up hard on the handlebars. Hey Einstein. GREAT idea. Last thing I see before going head over handlebars is my front wheel dislodging from the front fork, and rolling behind me. Then I ended up on my face, with the seat lodged firmly in the square of my back. Awesome. Insult to injury, two very cute girls who witnessed this are asking "are you ok?"...when I hear clip clopping, and stare up (as best you can stare upwards when you have a bike seat implanted into your spinal column) to a horse cop asking me if I need an ambulance. "No, sir. Thank you sir"...I have never repaired anything so fast in my life, but I had that tire back on and firmly clamped back in place before he could radio in for his fellow horse cop buddies to come look at this bike rider jackass...and riding wildly back home...away from the gawkers and disbelievers.

4)Best crash ever? Oh, it wasn't too harsh, but it was definitely memorable. My friend Josh and I were out riding through Washington Park (again...that place has been the bane of my biking existence) when I decided to go off onto the grass and ride alongside the flower garden on the boulevard. Not bad...we were cruising along...I was enjoying my brand new bike, when my front wheel became lodged firmly in a huge gopher hole that was obscured by the grass. I was (familiar tale of woe coming atcha again) upended and seat placed firmly against my spine. Josh was laughing and trying to be helpful at the same time...stifling his laughter to some extent...

Oh, I was ok, but God has a great sense of humor, and he proved it when I told Josh, "Man, this couldn't possibly get any more embarrassing...", and that's the EXACT MOMENT when the garden's sprinkler system turned on, and I took a direct hit in the face. It took Josh a full ten minutes before he could stop laughing and ride again.

Yeah, I can laugh about it now...but that one will always be my personal, all-time greatest wipeout.

And that, my readers, is all I got.

Hump Day (don't get yer hopes up)

2005-08-03T11:40:00.000-07:00

Whudddup yo. Back in the gym this afternoon, waiting for my fave 82 year old client to show up and train for her ultimate fighting match in September.

Well...it's fun to imagine, at least.

Last night..uneventful. Got home from work, relaxed for an hour or so, then left to meet up with J to train with her at the racquet club. I left that place regretting my decision to wear grey, because I was sweating like Wacko Jacko in the courtroom. Bad simile, I know. Fukoff. So I hope she had a good workout, or at least is feeling sore today. Tonight will be more of the same.

Gym shite aside, it's pretty lame. I haven't been able to get my ass in front of my drafting board for two weeks, and I really need a swift kick in the ass. Used to be easier than this when I did it as a daily in college, but now I'm suffering from that lack of energy everybody gets after they arrive home from work. I'm friggin drained. I know-not what you would expect to hear from a personal trainer, but hey-I'm human too.

I dropped over a hundred at the gas station yesterday. OK, I filled my tank with $30 worth of gas, at 2.16/gallon (not bad considering it was probably 2.50 in Chicago), and had to have my car battery replaced. $80 there. Oh, and ya wanna hear about what this braintrust did while I was waiting on the mechanic? I locked my keys in the car. Again. And although the gas station was within a few blocks from home...my spare is in my book bag. Sitting on the passenger seat.

Like I said..braintrust.

So that's all for now. EEEEYOW

Finally

2005-08-01T21:33:00.000-07:00

So I played tonight. First time in over two years on the ice wearing the gear...and it was fantastic.

My slapshot was finding the sunlight between the goalie's pads, my passes were connecting on the other teammates' tape, and my ankle wasn't giving me any grief whatsoever.

Biggest pleasure of the night? Skating coast-to-coast and getting a shot off on goal after deking a pair of opposing players, then butting heads with another.

God, I love this game.

Of course, the rust is there, the wheels are shaky, the gas tank is half empty, and the ice sense is rustier than hell, but that was to be expected.

Aaaaaahhhhhhh...and the pads are fitting better than ever. watch out.

Raising Boys

2005-08-01T11:05:00.000-07:00

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas... Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in! a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate 42 pound B oy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy! .
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No m atter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because:
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control

Wow was this thing long or what

2005-07-31T15:15:00.000-07:00

Start: 5:12pm

DESCRIBE
Your Heritage: German
The Shoes You Wore Today: my vans for the yard work, then slipped on the birks
Your Eyes: green, but blue with the contacts on.
Your Weakness: too damned nice
Your Fears: standard poodles, roaches, and being a failure in life
One Thing You’d Like To Achieve: getting a syndicated comic strip some day

STATISTICS
Name: Mark
Alias: Sterno, Ichabod, (and now, apparently) Wolfman
Birth date: Aug 20 1976
Birth-Place: Springfield
Birth-Time: about 1am
Gender: Male
Angel: dunno
Birthstone: dunno
Zodiac: Leo.
Pet Cats: had an outdoor cat named Tiger, then he died, and then there was Tiger II...he was run over and we got two brother tomcats which were subsequently named Tiger III and Sabertooth Tiger. I was 6, damn it.
Pet Dogs: nope
Other Pets: Shoo
Bedrooms: yep.
Bathrooms: when the back yard won't do.
Phone Number: sorry, no more stalkers.
City/Town: Springfield
State: IL
Country: USA

WHAT IS
First Feature You Notice In the Opposite Sex: face.
Your Best Physical Feature: smile
Your Bedtime: varies on my work schedule.
Your Greatest Accomplishment: Each of my three children.
Your Most Missed Memory: playing hockey in college.

YOU PREFER
Pepsi or Coke: coke
McDonald’s or Hungry Jacks: neither.
Single or Group Dates: let me get a date first, then I'll tell you
Chocolate or Vanilla: vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee: ESPRESSO.
Adidas or Nike: Reebok. Screw Nike.
DO YOU
Smoke: trees
Cuss: sheeyit. a bit.
Take A Shower Everyday: who ya been talkin to?
Have A Crush(es): sure
Who Are They: Jessica Biel or Catherine Bell...rrrowrr
Do you think you’ve been in love?: been there. sucked.
Want to go to College/Uni: been there too. A lot of people go to college for seven years. They're called "doctors"
Like School: I did.
Want to get Married: So long as she isn't a psychotic hosebeast...MAYBE.
Get motion sickness: nah
Think you’re attractive: I get busted staring at my reflection all the time.
Think your a health freak: not really
Get along with your parents: yeah
Like Thunderstorms: hell yeah.
Play an instrument: I wish I could play piano or guitar

IN THE PAST MONTH DID/HAVE YOU
Drank Alcohol: I'm hungover as I'm typing this.
Done a drug: nope. sigh.
Have sex: with someone else? nope. SIGH
Made out: yeah.
Go on a date: Kind of.
Go to the Mall: a few weeks ago.
Been on stage: no
Been dumped: well, we weren't really seeing each other...and I returned the engagement ring.
Gone skating: no-I suck.
Made home-made cookies: no, but one of my clients gave me a bag of homemade cookies on Friday.
Dyed your hair: nope. The gray is still pretty low key ;)
Stolen anything: hearts.

HAVE YOU EVER
Flown on a plane: yeah
Missed School because it was raining?: yeah
Told a guy/girl that you liked them?: of course
Cried during a movie?: "Hay..Dad? Wanna have a game of catch?" Shit. That gets me every time.
Ever thought an animated character was hot: Jessica Rabbit.
Had an Imaginary Friend: Nope. Just an overactive imagination.
Been on stage?: yup
Cut your hair: yeah...not the best job
Had a crush on a teacher?: no-we had skags and old bags for teachers when I was younger
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: um...
Been caught “doing something”: hahaha-define that before I incriminate myself for something
Been called a tease: nah...not lately.
Gotten beaten up?: yes.
Been in a fight: several.
Shoplifted: nope.

THE FUTURE
Age you hope to be married: no idea. when I become financially secure and completely independent.
Numbers and names of children: 2 children. Bernard and Chotchie.
Describe your dream wedding: one that will go over without a hitch.
How do you want to die?: peacefully.
What do you want to be when you ‘grow up’?: illustrator;dad of the millenia
What country would you most like to visit?: Italy

OPPOSITE/SAME SEX
Best eye colour: I like em all.
Best hair colour: blondes, brunettes, whatever
Short or long hair: depends
Best height: i like variety.
Best weight: athletic builds are crucial. leaner than fatter...I'm all over it.
Best first date location: depends...someplace I can hear her talk.
Best first kiss location: in the ear.

NUMBER OF:
Number of boyfriends/girlfriends you’ve had: i've had my fair share.
Number of kisses you’ve given: more than i can count
Number of drugs taken illegally: drugs? n/a
Number of people I could trust with my life: 4
Number of piercings: 0
Number of tattoos: 0
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: hundreds if not thousands.
Number of scars on my body: waaaaay too many to list. 12 years of hockey'll leave you looking real nice.
Number of things in my past that I regret: i don't regret too much

FAVOURITES
Shampoo: whatever
Colour: blue
Day/Night: both!
Summer/Winter: summer
Lace/Satin: ooooh
Cartoon Character: Felix the Cat
Food: Reza's in Chicago
Movies: Slapshot, Shawshank Redemption, Napoleon Dynamite
Sport: ice hockey

RIGHT NOW
Wearing: AE tank, cut off cargo shorts, and birks.
Wishes I was wearing: my hockey equipment, playing out on the ice.
Drinking: water
Thinking about: how long before I can finish this thing-my GOD.
Listening to: Dire Straits...ahhahaha-fockin random play

IN THE LAST 24 HRS
Worn Jeans: nope
Met someone new online: no
Done Laundry: nope
Drove A Car: yes
Talked on the phone: yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN
Yourself: yep?
Your friends: a few of em.
Santa: Hannukah Harry
Tooth Fairy: no
Destiny/Fate: yeah
Angels: no
Ghosts: yes
UFO’s: how else would you explain the stinging pain in my ass this morning?
God: in a way

FRIENDS AND LIFE
Do you ever wish you had another name?: no
Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?: no
Do you like anyone?: yes
Which one of your friends acts the most like you?: Matt B
Who have you known the longest of your friends?: Matt B
Are you close to any family member?: a bit
Who do you hang around with the most?: Shoo
When have you cried the most: I don't cry too often.
What’s the best feeling in the world?: sweet success
What time is it now?: 5:41pm

CURRENT
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Still, by Talib Kweli
Current Taste: nada
Current Hair: ballcap
Current Annoyance: my own procrastination
Current Smell: nothing
Current things I ought to be doing: drawing a new comic, studying.
Current windows open: none
Current desktop picture: something by my pal Duncan
Current Book: Parachute Infantry : An American Paratrooper's Memoir of D-Day and the Fall of the Third Reich, by David Kenyon Webster
Current Job: personal trainer

DO I/HAVE I EVER
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: yeah
Remember your first love?: i wish not to
Read the newspaper?: sometimes, but more news on the web
Believe it’s possible to remain faithful forever?: sure
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: i guess
Consider love a mistake?: no
Like the taste of Alcohol?: depends on my mood
Have a favourite candy?: gummy worms or snickers
Do well in school?: yeah
Wear hats?: sometimes
Close friends?: a few.
Wish on stars?: no
Like your handwriting?: yeah...cartoonist style, but only printing. My cursive sucks
Care about looks?: sometimes

LOVE AND STUFF
Gay? Straight? Bi? Null?: i'm a straight-up hetero. that gooses my guy friends. whatever.
First Crush: that gal from mannequin, that was on Sex and the city later.
Ever been in a thing called Love?: quit repeating yourself.
Do you believe in love at first sight?: thats lust, I believe.
Do you believe in “the one?”: i think there can be a few "ones" in your lifetime

ARE YOU A
Wuss: sometimes
Druggy: no
Daydreamer: yeah
Freak: in the sack, ohhhhh!
Dork: yes
Bitch/Asshole: naw
Brat: not really. meathead, yeah
Sarcastic: uh, yes?
Shy: when I get around a cute girl, yeah.
Talkative: yes
Adventurous: yes
Joker: yes

LAST
Last book you read: McSweeny's Mammoth Treasury of Thrilling Tales...a collection of short stories by diff authors
Last movie you saw: Constantine
Last thing you had to drink: OJ
Last time you showered: last night
Last person you talked to on the phone: Ebben

Ended: 5:51pm, wotta waste

The Art of Procrastination

2005-07-28T11:57:00.000-07:00

Man. I cannot believe how swamped I was at work yesterday, and after ten hours of making other people sweat their asses off in the gym, I arrived home, checked my email, and promptly crashed OUT. Cold. For a three hour nap. Not too bad. Woke back up around 7, ran some errands, rented a movie (Constantine-not too shabby, and I got a kick out of seeing the actress that portrayed Kate Hepburn in The Aviator playing a wicked angel in it), and started my newsletter design. No, I still haven't STARTED the comic that I've been talking about. Nope, neither have I had a chance to get out on my blades and test out the gimpy ankle. NOR have I done much more to that biz card design since I posted the roughs a few days ago.

What HAVE I done?

Seems like each time I sit down in front of my mac to get something done, my screen fills up with chat windows. Yeah, I'm popular in geek terms. I mean, where else can a walleyed, harelipped, bad b.o. sufferer get so much play? Besides Six Flags, that is.

I'm so retarded. I know this.

So...Teddy's coming back to visit the 'patch this weekend. I'm stickin to beer this time out. Shoo's headed up to Chi, along with everyone else and their brother's mother.

Watch out for that popped collar approach, boys-word has it, Boystown has decided to adopt that fashion for their own. Along with the pink polo shirts. I'm not judging. Just stating a fact.

Which brings me to this: Damn the homosexuals for ruining the rainbow for everyone else. I have a kick ass pair of suspenders (think Mork from Ork...Mork and Mindy?) that have been gathering dust for a few decades now. But with this sudden resurgence in pink for heteros...well, maybe it's time I break em out.

Watch out, conservative-ass SPFD...I'm gonna be rockin out with my c*ck out this weekend.

My dad sends me some funny emails...

2005-07-28T10:12:00.000-07:00

...and I thought I'd pass this one along:

Moshe Reads an Arab Newspaper

A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arabnewspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car,noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.

"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper.

Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

How to be Hardcore

2005-07-27T17:19:00.000-07:00

I stole this from a posting at Craigslist...cracked me up, so I decided to share (I laughed my asss off at the ones in bold)

Here's to you- Indie Rockers who are lame!
1) Be tough at all times.
2) Never cheer after a show... only clap.
3) Be open minded in a "punch people" kind of way.
4) Only the good hardcore bands have names that are sentences with bad grammar. Ex: Boy Hits Car, Boy Sets Fire, Skycamefalling, Boy Sets Car-fire.
5) Ankles are tough so bring your socks down into your shoes so we can see them.
6) Tattoos are tough especially when they are on your calves. See rule .5 on how to see said tattoo more clearly.
7) Wear your hoodie in the mosh pit because sweating like a wild pig makes you look tough.
8) Don't admit you listen to heavy metal.
9) Exception to rule .8: only admit you listen to heavy metal if you think it is ironic and you wear 80's cheese metal shirts.
10) Be a non-conformist, just like all your friends.
11) Practice hardcore dancing in front of your mirror and then try them out the next time Atreyu comes to town.
12) A hardcore band is only original if you call it something-core. Ex: screamcore, emocore, screamocore, mathcore, or medio-core.
13) Remember, it's fun to punch and kick kung fu style.
14) Keep it in the do-jo.
15) Real hardcore fans are called kids.
16) Complain how hardcore bands are playing with metal bands at all costs!
17) Have your own zine, website, production company or be in a band. Claim you are friends with the singer from Shai Halud.
18) Tell people you work in the music industry.
19) More ankles people!
20) Embrace everybody in the scene except for those people who are not you.
21) Refer to bands as old school or new school and then act tough again.
22) Pretend that you get Dillinger Escape Plan.
23) Shop at second hand stores and then go buy expensive shoes.
24) Beat people up and then go to bible study class.
25) Smoking, drinking, and having sex before marriage is too trendy. Real hardcore tough guys abstain.
26) Whatever you do, don't let the singer on stage ever sing in the mic. Make sure you grab it from him and sing in it yourself. After all, you do a better job singing than him. It's a wonder they didn't put you on the album.
27) Start your own hardcore band.
28) Have your logo resemble some random 80's product for nostalgia.
29) Talk about the scene any chance you get. Say as many obscure hardcore bands from NJ as possible.
30) If you are shy, start an emo band so you don't have to look at the audience.
31) People who know more bands than you are better than you.
32) Add the letter X before and after important words. Ex: XhardcorekidX, XmoshfuckX
33) Never say, "Did you hear the new Strung Out?" unless you are attempting to be funny in which case stop it because hardcore kids are tough not funny.
34) It's merch not merchandise.
35) Hardcore girls must wear head bands at all times.
36) Stretch your ears out to look more intimidating.
37) The bigger you stretch your ears out, the more hardcore you are.
38) Your ears should be stretched out enough to accommodate a block of wood, a hubcap, or a penis.
39) People in the front row are best used as a ladder/staircase to reach your goal... steal the mic away from the singer.
40) When people ask you if you like a band always say, "I only like the old stuff" or "I haven't really gotten into the new stuff."
41) Buy all of that band's merch.
42) Wear your new merch at the next hardcore show.
43) Repeat .41 and .42
44) If you have to wear glasses, make sure they are thick, black framed ones.
45) Don't tell anybody, but make sure you try on your new vintage clothes and stud belt before heading out to see Poison the Well.
46) Never admit you don't like Hatebreed and go see them live 12 times a year.
47) Complain that they are playing with Slayer, but don't admit you actually like Slayer.
48) Complain at all costs.
49) Tag team hardcore dancing is cool.
50) Real hardcore kids are really struggling photographers.
51) You don't go to hardcore concerts, you go to hardcore shows. BIG difference.
52) Name your hardcore dance moves things like "The Mother Fuck" or "Kick That Guy's Ass Move" or better yet... stay home and cry.
53) Protect your body from swinging limbs by sacrificing your two arms.
54) Scream about love.
55) All age venues are important so you are not tempted to drink.
56) Claim you know a guy who knows a guy whose best friend was standing next to the guy who got his ass kicked during Converge. Bash the hardcore scene and then go see The Get Up Kids.
57) Anytime somebody mentions a band always say you know somebody in the band.
58) Wear your pins with honor! Shai Halud, American Nightmare, Minor Threat are the purple heart of valour.
59) Velcro shoes are cool.
60) Don't admit that you have a crush on the singer from Walls of Jericho. If somebody asks, say you respect her as a musician only.
61) Your band name should contain one of the following words: blood, murder, kill, victim and/or butterfly.
62) Print your band name as if it was on a bad printing press. Actual graphics are for posers.
63) Sleep on a portrait painted prettier then everyone.
64) 100 bands from around the world are to play in your city. All of them are the world's best hardcore bands. Every label represented, every hardcore subgenre present. The venue is the best all-ages venue in the world. Tickets are $1.00. It is your job to go around saying the festival should be free.
65) Record producers must make sure to pump the mid because mid is tough.
66) Re-issue your demos after every album.
67) When the band starts playing, everybody join hands and make a big circle so we can watch the big kids play.
68) Crying on stage makes you a professional.
69) Complain some more.
70) Album covers must be made at home on Photoshop by your good friend.
71) If you are from New York, NEVER smile in a promo pic. In fact, always try to cross your arms and look into the camera as if you are going to beat up who ever is looking.
72) If you are from New Jersey, NEVER smile in a promo pic either. In fact, try to look like you just lost your girl friend to the hardcore band from New York.
73) Never admit that emo is country music lyrics mixed with pop rock riffs and marketed by 17 year olds trying to make their friend be the next Dashboard Confessional.
74) American Idol is your worst enemy (but you voted for Ruben).
75) You can get away with glitter on your face as long as your stretched ear plugs are clear.
76) Fuck beer; got breast milk?
77) Bandanas are cool.
78) Bandanas with big X on them are cooler.
79) Bandanas with big X on them were cool last week, you poser.
80) Your best friend is a guy named XattackX from Jersey who you chat with on MSN everyday. He is coming to see you one day. Really.
81) Chunky breakdowns in your songs are original and you should continue to do them despite every other band doing them which is clearly a rip off of your band.
82) Judge other bands and always compare them to the socio-cultural effects of the band Integrity.
83) Look up socio-cultural in the dictionary and then get offended.
84) Green Day is the real reason you are still alive.
85) Describe your group of friends as "The Scene."
86) Obey the laws of the hardcore scene or forever be banished from the circle.
87) When somebody asks you what is hardcore respond with, "I am hardcore" then punch somebody in the face for looking at you wrong.
88) Keep punching.
89) Kick a little, too.
90) Punch.
91) Add a threat about their mother for good measure.
92) Pretend you won the fight then pickup your dismembered left arm.
93) You are wearing the same thing as the 40-year old gas pump attendant, but for some strange mystical reason you are cooler than he is.
94) Tell everybody that Trustkill Records is too trendy.
95) Did you stop acting tough? I saw you hug that teddy bear.
96) Pierce your tits and tattoo your body.
97) Straight bangs mean straightedge
98) Being vegan means you can't swallow sperm.
99) When in doubt, mock everything.
100) Take everything personally.
101) Assume this list is about you.
102) Wear TDF as much as possible.

For lessons in emo etiquette, check this out:
http://www.somethingdirectory.com/
20 minute movie, but when you have time to kill, it's funny as hell. Thanks to Giselle for the link!

Wakin Up at 4AM SUCKS.

2005-07-26T12:56:00.000-07:00

...but that's how my schedule's set up all week. ugh

So, aside from the massive blasts of espresso I'm swigging in the mornings between clients, and my somewhat feeble attempts to dodge this nasty heatwave outdoors...the week has been sub-par as of yet.

Went to a movie with Ed yesterday afternoon, and after that I ran out to pick up a hockey schedule at the local rink. TWO YEARS. It's been over two years since I've worn my pads and skated. Although my ankle's feeling about 80%, I think I may test it out on my rollerblades sometime this week and make sure I don't collapse in pain following my first slapshot out on the ice. Anyone local care to go skate around tomorrow afternoon? I've got a few spare sticks if you're interested. Call me.

Also worked on my new biz card design last night. Two sided, full color, satin finish...I'm hoping it's gonna turn some new business my way. Never know. Trickiest part is, and always has been, trying to position myself in a way that showcases my talents. So I figured that one side is primarily graphic design-oriented, and the flip side will be flashin the mad illustration skillz. Yes, I just reverted to ghetto sterno. thank you for noticing.

Additional plans on my agenda this week:
• Have to lay out and send off a newsletter design (It's a July newsletter. I just received the word doc yesterday. I know it's nearly August.)
• Gotta draw a new comic for that local paper. I have the concept, now I need to sit down and DO.
• Ignoring all girls until I get myself back on track. I might die alone with that philosophy...but I just don't have the energy to worry about anymore of this crap-ass drama.
• Apply for a design position being advertised by a local agency here in town. WTF, why not, right?

Hasty? Overreacting? Overly emotional? ME?

2005-07-25T08:12:00.000-07:00

Probably.

Yesterday's posts are pretty much just venting some crap energy I've been carrying around with me for a while. I'm not entirely happy with the way my professional career has been going, and I'm tired of getting shafted in a few other areas of my life.

So what would one do in order to vent this crap? Too hot to go on a bike ride last week and it's still nasty outside. I think I'll be lacing up sometime this week and playing hockey again. First time on the ice in over two years. I keep talking about it, thinking about it, and even dreaming about it...I think once a week wouldn't be too bad. Knock on wood.

Maybe after throwing a few hipchecks out there, I'll be able to settle myself back down again. God knows, I've been feeling dumped on enough lately-time to lay the smack down on someone else for a change.

A recent image from last weekend.

2005-07-24T16:47:00.000-07:00

Just so you know who the yahoo is that's howling at the cute girl sitting beside you.

Note the uncanny resemblance to Richard Simmons.

I'm making a change.

2005-07-24T13:59:00.000-07:00

Screw this whole thing with being the nice guy. It was a lot easier to get dates when I was younger, brasher, and cockier. I've decided to become the asshole that girls want to date and try to rehabilitate. No more easily-accessible Sterno. Watch out. I'm jaded again.

Fockit. Why not? Give me a reason not to.

Sox Game recapped

2005-07-23T11:56:00.000-07:00

Sox won. hehe

OK, so I went to the game in Chicago last night with my dad, and it was just the two of us. After the drive up (and being constantly jittery because of my old man's lack of adeptness in Chicago traffic-holy crap, it was heavy braking every 30 seconds when we got past Joliet) we arrived in time for the second half of the first inning. I needed a beer, ASAP, so I walked out to the concession stand. After standing in line for about 15 minutes, the stupid canadian server stared at my id, and made some huge scene about how it wasn't me. I actually thought she was joking. I'm almost 29. If I hadn't stood in line so long beforehand, I would have found it more amusing, but I simply told her she was f*cking ridiculous, stopped short of calling her an uneducated southside rat, and I walked to another beeer stand that served me promptly. I walked back past her stand and raised my cup to her, then let her know that she was, in fact, number one.

Oh, and I ran into my old buddies from my last apartment building in Chicago. Small world, considering neither of us is a Sox fan, and that there were about 30K people in attendance. Wow. I called his sister (my ex-gf from San Fran) soon afterward, and she had already heard that we crossed paths. Anyway...amazing coincidence.

Drove home and got back about a quarter to one, and stayed in after that. Tonight...well, tonight I plan on tying one on. Be forewarned. The howling will commence about 12:30am.

late

And so it's Friday. And awaaaaaaaaay we go...

2005-07-22T10:32:00.000-07:00

...to Chicago. Last minute plans arose today. My dad has a few tickets for the White Sox v Red Sox game up at Cellular Field, so we're on our way this afternoon. Game at 7pm. Teddy, or anyone from Chi that reads this...give me a call and I might have an extra ticket. Apologies for the sudden notice.

I was recruited into doing yard work yesterday afternoon around 3pm...it was about 102ºF, and I think I told my old man he was insane when he asked me if I was ready to go outside. Pot calling the kettle black? Perhaps. Ugh. After mowing the yard, the push broom I was using to sweep the driveway snapped in half, and the bottom portion slammed me in the leg..just above my ankle. My good ankle. So now I have a semi-recovered ankle on my left leg, and a swollen protuberance on my right leg. It's probably good that I didn't yell something lame like, "OW! My tibialis!" when it happened. Funny thing is that before it happened, I was thinking about how I needed to go buy a new broom...that one was getting really old and lousy.

Problem solved.

I was also given a green light from the editor at the Illinois Times to create a new weekly comic strip for them. I haven't told my folks yet-I'm planning on letting them open up the first issue I'm published in and discovering it for themselves. However, last night I was going over some ideas for a weekly, and I've got some more planning to do before I can get comfortable at the drafting board. A big thank you to Sue, the talented editorial designer on their staff, for helping hook me up with the printed page again. It's been too long since I've been published, and I'll be looking forward to recapturing some of the old notoriety that I used to enjoy.

Ah, and I told Ed that I'm game for going to see Batman Begins again. Maybe an afternoon matinee Sunday or Monday? In any case, anyone that would care to join us is welcome. I'm sure we'll have the hetero spacer seat available. heh.

Oh, and just in case there are any Cub fans reading this today- GO CARDS!

and that, my friends, is all he wrote.

A Moment to Pause and Reflect.

2005-07-22T08:11:00.000-07:00

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote The Hokey Pokey, died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Oh HUSH.......You know it's funny.

A few jokes to pass the day.

2005-07-20T19:51:00.000-07:00

Unceremoniously lifted from another website. Thank you Unk!

Granny's no Dummy
The doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her adult life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee.

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks. Believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"

How to administer a pill to a cat
• Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

• Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

• Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw away soggy pill.

• Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

• Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

• Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

• Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

• Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

• Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

• Retrieve cat from neighbors shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

• Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply Whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

• Ring fire department to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

• Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.

• Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 liters of water down throat to wash pill down.

• Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

• Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell, and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
• Wrap it in bacon.

Thursday Morn. Whoooooop deee dooOOoo

2005-07-20T08:21:00.000-07:00

So here I am. In the gym. Again. Happens to be a slow morning, but that should change in an hour or so, when there's a mad dash of people charging through the front door looking to get their sweat on.

Nah. Actually, probably not.

I couldn't sleep very well last night. Woke up every two hours and stared at the alarm clock. Finally decided to get up at 6:30 and go out for a bike ride. Great idea. It's muggy as hell, and after my shortened ride (only 7 laps around the park this morning-14.7 miles) I jumped into a cold shower. Ya know-I was still sweating when I got to work at 9 this morning. Think George Costanza...the residual sweat. Hot.

Starting tomorrow I'll be back on the 5am kick again for four workdays. I was this close to losing the black bags under my eyes. Sigh. Now it's going to be back to looking like the hyper hypo crackhead trainer. Any suggestions for removing these black things under the eyes, people?

And as far as my weekend coming up-it starts tomorrow at 12:00 pm. I'm thinking about grilling out. My place...yours...I don't care. Just a thought. Who'd be up for that?

I had another nightmare...kinda

2005-07-19T11:29:00.000-07:00

Damn. Maybe it wasn't quite in the same category as that last one where I woke up clawing my arm (wolf biting down...me grappling with its muzzle...ergo fingernail marks on my arm-psycho?), but it was discerning all the same.

I was back on the ice at the UofI, skating with a new team...all of which were 19-21, and me being the old man river, all 28 years of me.

Skating drills, shooting drills, scrimmages...I don't know why I would be dreaming about this stuff anymore. Maybe it's my subconscious telling me how much I miss the feel of the ice crunching underneath my blades...maybe the exhilaration of having that cold air flying across my face when I would skate haphazardly into the boards for the loose puck...dropping low to deliver a debilatating hip check on some unsuspecting forward.

Yeah, it's a safe bet to say that I miss the game. Not the NHL. The game. Playing.

So why would it be a nightmare? Because I woke up in a cold sweat...feeling pretty much the same way I felt after I was cut from the team my freshman year of college. Not a happy feeling.

My dreams are so much more vivid when I don't drink as much as I used to. Sometimes I wonder.

Weekend Recap...or not.

2005-07-17T14:58:00.000-07:00

Well...I'm still here. Coughing a bit after inhaling way too much smoke last night, and feeling the effects of skipping out on the bike rides lately (it's too damned hot outside-yeah, I'm being a bitch here).

So really fast, allow me to break down the last few days for ya...
• one of the full time trainers quit the other day, without much warning and no notice. Thanks for the extra hours, preacher man. fock.
• stayed in on Friday evening because I had the 5am wake up call for work...watched the Card game go to extra innings, turned off at the top of the 13th, and found out the Cards won in the bottom of the inning. I knew that was going to happen.
• met up with some friends at Coz' pizza last night, then split and went solo to Browns. met up with some friends there and ended up staying out until 3am.

Slept in til 12:30 this afternoon...that felt awesome. I can't remember the last time I've been able to do that without having a guilty conscience about it.

Personal life? Good. Professional life? Ehh.. Romantic life? Hmm.. Social life? Not too shabby.

Oh, and if anyone from Springfield is reading this entry-wtf is up with K'arma being so..damned..greasy? I thought some of those people on the dance floor were having a bad reaction to eating habenero peppers or something, the way they were twitching and "dancing".

freaks.

What the heck happened to ME? Ah Yeah...

2005-07-13T19:06:00.000-07:00

Sheeeeyit. Whuddup foos? Wondering where I've been keeping my inner geek lately? Probably scratching yer heads trying to figure out how in the world I kept my twitchy lil fingers away from updating my sorry ass blog?

Well stop scratching. I'm back in the mix again. I had some real life shtuff come up that demanded that I put the imaginary world back on the shelf again. Meaning, I had to take off the Batman mask/cape, remove the underroos and wear normal people garb, and turn the volume down on the Michael Jackson that was crankin on the stereo.

My sister was back in town visiting from Durango, Colorado, and my father just turned a year older the other day. And work has been keeping me busy. No early mornings to speak of yet this week, but that changes tomorrow. My sister looks fantastic. I mean that in an admiring, brotherly way. Anyone wants to step up and say elsewise, you know how to reach me for that ass whupping. She's undeniably received the majority of the good-natured genes in the family, and she lightened up the place when she was here.

And now that she's gone, the parents are quiet. REAL quiet. I know, I know...I'm not the favorite daughter here (lemme check a minit-nope. still there). This too shall pass.

Oh...any other new developments? Yeah-quick rundown for ya-

• Saw Fantastic Four...aside from the company I was with, movie sucked. Rental fer sure.
• Friday, I drank a few shots with one of the owners of that ad agency I tend to mention a lot.
• Kyle was my personal hero for giving me a ride home that same evening. Thank you again, man.
• Made it in to lift over at the Racquet Club the other morning... The gal behind the counter hadn't seen me in since I sprained my ankle and she thought I was showing up to cancel my membership. Chill, buttaface. Sheeeeee...
• I started to incorporate old hockey-oriented plyometrics into my training regimen for clients now. Their legs are gonna be ripped before the end of summer.
• I wish my schedule coincided more with some of you people out there.
• My family had a little gettogether for my dad and sister. I'll try to get some new pix up on here sometime for you to peruse...or photoshop onto richard simmons again. Whatever ya want.

(Did you get the memo on the TPS reports Peter? MmmmMMmmkay.)

So there's that. And now I need to go study my textbooks some more. Out.

Fast week...now gimme a beer.

2005-07-08T15:28:00.000-07:00

Holy crap. What happened to this past week? ;)

I'm feeling pretty wired this afternoon, 4am wake-up call and all. I wrapped things up at the gym around 1pm this afternoon and now that I finished mowing the yard at home, I think I need a beer. Or three. DH Browns...Floyds...Sammys? I don't care. I'm game for meeting up and watching some baseball over a few cold longnecks.

Local peeps, call me if you're interested in meeting me out. Long distance peeps...yer SOL on this one.

I love you,
Frank.

Back in the Saddle Again...

2005-07-06T19:11:00.000-07:00

...and damn, is my ass sore. Read what you will from that little gem. I got a full 10 laps in on Monday afternoon after work, and another 6 tonight before it got so dark that I bailed on the last four (if you haven't noticed yet, people can't drive for sh!t in this town, and I ride a black bike). Got into MY gym last night for a good workout, and I nearly spewed when I was working my legs out. It's been a while. I miss the good old days when I could play hockey a few times a week and my legs were rock solid without having to go fag it out in a gym.

Lets see...the t-shirt printer has been bothering me lately about a rush job that he needs for a client. I like how he conveniently set me aside for nine months (along with a past due tab of about $800 on old designs I provided him), but now it's all buddy-buddy. So I finally wrote him a nice note this morning telling him, in effect, to take a long walk off a short pier. I'd rather bite the $800 than help his ass out anymore. I'm hungry, but not starving. FOCK.

Ever messed with an octegenarian? I mean, in a perfectly harmless way? I was training one little old lady this afternoon and I demonstrated what a "dip" was...then asked her to do "just five". Her eyes...oh man. She killed me. Good stuff. And NO, I would never have her actually get up and rip her shoulder apart attempting that crap (but I did tell her we'd work our way up to that one).

One other note: Just out of curiousity, would everyone post a comment this time? List the three websites you're most prone to check out when you log on...

Mine would be along the geekish slant:
www.tuaw.com a mac tech blog
www.engadget.com a general tech blog with some pretty random shtuff
www.chicago.craigslist.org a bulletin board site...I get a kick out of the "rants and raves" section. People are insane. I feel much more stable when I get through with a few of these posts.

OK. I need to go shower and get the stink of another wasted day off my bod.

Chicago Visit

2005-07-03T17:58:00.000-07:00

Ok. I've got to work at 5 in the morning on the FOURTH of JULY, so I'll keep the list short for now...

Some interesting conversation pieces for the next time we see each other out (from the past 24 hours spent in Chicago):

1. I miss driving in the city...or is it that I miss being able to honk, shout, and drive erratically without repurcussion?

2. Wrigley Field is awesome. Fans are fickle, but the friendly confines are gorgeous. And there's plenty of eye candy to keep you occupied.

3. $5 will get you a hamburger at Wrigley that rivals the quality of those we used to get in the high school cafeteria.

4. Old Style? $5.75 for a can of THIS? Dude...

5. A gal was selling cubby beads on Waveland ave after the game. She called out "Beads!" right when I passed her, so I did what I figured would get me a free strand. Nope. Just stares. And she threatened to bite my nipple if I did it again. Swear to God.

6. Teddy loves...LOVES...the mediterranean women. And Bootsy. Bootsy Wiggles.

7. Teddy has such a pimp condo that he could have a hunchback, a harelip, and a 2 inch schlong, and he'd still get action if he brought girls back to that balcony.

8. Cab drivers are scandalous fu¢ktards.

9. I am SO white on the dance floor, it's not funny. OK, actually...it is.

10. I think I was goosed by about three random girls last night.

11. I goosed two back.

12. The third was an extra in that National Geographic episode last week...you know, the one with the wildebeasts?

13. John Barleycorn has more hotties per capita than all bars in Springfield combined on any given night. Oh my LORD.

14. My liver hurts.

15. I arrived back at 5:30am, and the sky was already brightening.

16. I MISS CHICAGO.

Occasionally you just wanna...

2005-06-30T16:00:00.000-07:00

...do another random blog entry.

I seem to cross paths with these things online all of the time, and although they seem to range in topics from what's your porn star name (Tiger Willemoore), to what was the last time you had mad animal sex (none of yo' beeswax, nosey)...they all seem to keep within similar interesting veins.

So I decided to create my own. For you to read. If you want, cut and paste into your own blogs and use this for your own amusement. Maybe make it interesting by cutting one question out and draft your own.

And so:

1. Name a traumatic experience in your childhood:
Neighbors had a big standard poodle, and it used to rush me when I was walking back from grade school. Damn mutt.

2. If you could be anything in the world, what career would you pursue?
Syndicated comic strip artist. And I am pursuing it.

3. If you could go back and right a wrong, what would you choose (personal life experience only, no "I'd kill Hitler when he was born" answers)?
Not too many regrets, actually...crazy college years aside.

4. Do you wish you could change something about your personality? What?
I tend to be shy around attractive women. Really.

5. Name the five music albums you have last listened to.
Sting's Soul Cages, Black Eyed Peas' Monkey Business, Citizen Cope's Clarence Greenwood Recordings, and Alkaline Trio's Crimson.

6. Would you classify yourself as a bookworm, a couch potato, a jock, or a socializing misfit? Pick one.
Socializing Misfit. Although you could argue a case with this one.

7. Have you ever vandalized someone else's property?
Uh huh. A loooong time ago, in a drunken haze far far away.

8. What's the last random act of kindness you did for someone?
I gave a former coworker $40 to get back to his hometown (he washed his checkbook and was stuck here), and oh, yeah, he hasn't gotten back to me in a few weeks.

9. What is your favorite swear word?
FOCK.

10. Describe the most attractive feature in the opposite sex that you look for?
Smile. A nice, friendly smile. And then I check out her legs :)

11. Have you ever cheated on your significant other?
Nope.

12. What's your biggest turn off?
Ignorance.

13. What can you do that makes you unique from 99.9% of the populace?
I can draw better than most.

14. When was the last time you read a book?
I'm in the middle of about four right now.

15. What's your favorite board game?
Trivial Pursuit or Scrabble

16. If you were given $100,000,000, what would be the first five things you'd buy?
I'd buy a home in San Diego on the beach, a lexus SC430 convertible, a new powerbook, a new road bike, and give the members of my family a few million a piece.

17. What's the longest you've known any of your (current) best friends?
Since 3rd grade

18. What's your favorite drink?
Peanut Butter Malt shake...or scotch

19. What do you consider to be the the worst thing about society today? The best?
I hate the way that the mainstream media latches onto ugliness in the news, and then decides to barrage us with stories of child molesters, murders, and other filth that I can do without hearing about day in day out. The BEST? The way the internet has allowed us to connect with friends that would never have been possible 20 years ago. The ability to IM someone in California or Japan and say "Howdy" like it was nothing special. I think that that's one great aspect of our wired society...not that there aren't countless others to name.

20. What are you procrastinating on right now?
PT certification studying.

What do YOU do on your days off?

2005-06-29T08:38:00.000-07:00

I had a meeting with the ad agency again :)

Actually, I was a little late in getting my latest invoice for the last job with them back over to their offices-as in, about a month. BAD Sterno. I know. So I called one of the owners the other afternoon and asked if they'd be willing to meet up with me this week. So they agreed. And we met. This morning.

It went well. Better than I could have hoped. I had been a little worried that my salary request was too much...perhaps my skill set was lacking in some regard...or maybe they had decided to hire another designer that I was unaware of.

All unfounded...well, it certainly seems so now. We spoke about the current situation, discussed business, and how summertime can be a little slow for business. My salary request was in the appropriate ballpark, and my skills are great (I know enough that they'd probably use me as a consultant when they upgrade to some new software). I've been collaborating really well with their other designer, and that's a bonus. Oh, and I even tossed the idea of letting me be their corporate fitness trainer into the mix. They liked that one...ha!

All in all, they assured me that when they determine that they have the capability to bring someone on full time, they'd hire me on before they would place an ad for a designer. Which is nice of them to concede. Also, they were appreciative that I was still enthusiastic about the potential of coming on their staff. DUH. I doubt they'd ask me to work at 4:30am, like certain other places...

Speaking of said other places, I worked 48 hours last week at the gym. Hectic as hell, and I'm convinced that the clients aren't scheduling around their schedules, but mine instead. Which is cool. I suppose that means they enjoy having a hyperspastic personal trainer that's willing to dance a jig when Michael Jackson is playing on the iPod, and cracks enough stupid jokes or tells amusing anecdotes while they're doing their ab work, which ensures that they're in debilating pain the next day from laughing too hard.

I was waiting for a new client yesterday when he walked in. All 6'8", 300lbs of him. A monster...a behometh of a man. NOT fat. All muscle. And he was dressed in black. ALL black. With combat boots. I almost threw the laptop to him and was this close to begging for my life, when he introduced himself as my new client. He's a special teams op for the prison system here in town. And I was tempted to tell him that we weren't really what he was looking for, in terms of a workout regimen. Instead, I decided to go about the standard routine, and after taking his measurements (OMG, the dude was GINORMOUS), I walked him through a standard workout. I had him do more reps on each muscle and after we wrapped up the workout with the ab routine, the guy was spent. I shook his hand before he left, and I imagine that that would be what shaking hands with Stu Grimson would be like. His hand enveloped mine. Nice fella. And I gave him the pain. Whoot!

So there's that.

I also ran into the sister of my last girlfriend last night at the movie store. She's lost about 30lbs since I last saw her a month or two ago, and I spoke with her for nearly an hour. Apparently my ex has plumped out considerably since we broke ties, and she (her sister) was looking intently upon my face for a tell, or some sign of satisfaction about this new tidbit of information. Naw, I told her that I was happy that she's happy with this new boyfriend of hers, and that I don't bear her any ill will. Total poker face. I'm talented like that.

But she's fat now? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-heh

OK. That's out of my system. Humid and muggy here today. Again. Annnnnd that's all I got.

Friday! WhoooHOOO...wait. I work in the morning at 6. FOCK

2005-06-24T12:18:00.000-07:00

Yeah, well, it’s been one heckuva week. I have some nice bags underneath my eyes from the 5am workdays, and I can honestly say that my internal clock is remarkably accurate...Although the internal snooze left me in bed until 5am today. I got paid today too, but I just don't have the heart to open the envelope yet. It's an ass kicker when you get paid half what you were making with the other degree just a few months ago.

I trained this new girl...a 20 year old...today. Smoking hot. I wished I was 21 again. So that I wouldn't feel like a dirty old man when I train her. Ah well. I just didn't stare at the booty when she was going through the exercises. The fantastic, drool inspiring booty. Oh man. I think that I have a love-hate relationship with my current job. I'm totally professional, but I have eyes.

Hot.

The elderly woman I was training when the new client walked in looked at me and said, "You don't have to train me any longer...don't keep her waiting"...and then she winked at me. HA! I just smiled back at her, told her, "Hey, I'm not blind...but I still own you for 10 minutes...get going on those crunches". Like I said, TOTAL professional.

So on that note...would anyone be interested in a personal trainer? I'm actually looking to start freelancing at another gym, and I just need a few new clients. I've had some requests from the people at the day job, but aside from it being unethical, I signed a contract stating that I wouldn't contact anyone for 6 months after I left that place. That's not to say that I can't take on new clients.

Let me know. I swear I'm not going to stare at your booty. Much. And if you adhere to my guidance, I'll have you flexing a six pack in a few months.

Ah hell... if you're interested, I'll give you a nice discount on your first session, and you can judge for yourself if you'd like to continue.

Oh, and the weather sucks lately, as well. Heat wave from hell, and it isn't even July yet. Have they declared the drought of 2005 yet?

have a good one.

Bad Days are all Relative

2005-06-21T09:03:00.000-07:00

Having a bad day?
(Cut & Pasted from baseboard.net)

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe handle, leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu, he came down eight HOURS short of the 400 day record; his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There, now! Your day's not so bad after all, is it?

Ahhhh-the promise of a new week...

2005-06-20T14:19:00.000-07:00

(wait...isn't that the name of an old Paula Abdul song? Oh...Promise of a new DAY...the one with the waterfall...mmMMm)

Yep. I just returned from a chiropractor. I figured they could take some x-rays of my foot and tell me if anything was broken. Simple enough...until they started feeling my spine and photographing me to check on my spinal column's alignment. Aw, come ON. WTF...you skate for 12 years hunched over and let’s see how well YOUR posture is. Also, I saw the pix of myself from the profile, and it’s official-I need to stop hunching over the keyboard. I look like a friggin’ Cro-Magnon man. I only wanted to find out if I tore a ligament in my ankle...not if I had a slight pelvic tilt. GARR. <--- Typical cromagnon man response to stressors.

Had to work at 5am again this morning. After running people through the exact same routine, with slight variations on occasion, and being hamstrung by the 30 min time limit on our sessions...I get tired of the same old same old. I mean, the woman who the gym uses for practically every print ad-the one who professes she lost 50 pounds there...well, she showed up today for the first time in over a month. She has BLIMPED OUT. She’s put back on at least twenty pounds...and I barely recognized her. IN A MONTH. Not to be mean, but I think she's in cahoots with the Cowboy Twinkie, Burger King, Ronald McDonald, and Chester Cheetah. I mean...good GOD. The backs of her arms...oh man...she could smack a fly out of the air from five paces away with that tricep flab. She didn't just fall off the wagon...she hit the ground hard and rolled to a stop. In front of a slurpee machine.

I think I’ll be redesigning my resumé throughout the next few weeks. I was laying in bed last night thinking about a novel approach to redesigning it, and I thought that I could completely reposition myself away from the field of designers by using a comic book style approach. It might be a dangerous move, but I think that, with some cautionary design devices, I can make it look pretty slick. Then again...nah, screw that. Something needs to change. I’m in dire straights to get a new job in design. Might as well flash my strong suit. I’m sick of getting dismissed by ad agencies in favor of the little shits that are just now graduating, and working for a meager pittance of what they deserve.

Can ya tell the caveman is pissed this afternoon?

I'm blimping back out. Since the camping accident, I haven’t gone to the gym or biked. In a month. FOCK! I feel sluggish and loose. Not tight. And I was waiting for the summer all winter long, just so that I could get my bike out and lose the last ten pounds that refused to be shed on the treadmill alone. Then I go and get gimpy. It's enough to make ya weep. Hell, I have the absolute worst luck. A regular born loser. I don't expect anything to be given to me, and I know that hard work will eventually result in rewards...but sometimes you get a monkey wrench thrown into the works, and it just fouls the whole damned operation up.

Have I mentioned I have a profile like a monkey?

It's official. I need to go hit something with my tree limb club. I am SO pissed off.

A long week's passing.

2005-06-17T18:28:00.000-07:00

It’s Friday evening again, folks, and yours truly is camped out in front of his newly upgraded Mac again. Just installed the new OSX, Tiger, and lemme tell ya-
I can't tell shit for a difference yet.

Ah well. So it's been a long week, what with the get-together on Tuesday evening, my performance evaluation at the gym on Thursday (aced it...what else would you expect? I’m fuckin “overqualified” for everything, mang), and saw the newest Batman movie the night before last. THAT, by the way, stroked my inner geek so much that when we walked out of the theater I wanted to run around screaming “I’m Batman! I’m Batman!”

I managed to supress it though...inner geeks are pretty easy to put into a vise-like headlock.

My ankle’s still a bit tender..swollen..I might be getting an x-ray on it to make sure it isn’t torn too badly. Sucks...why do I always seem to end up getting hurt just before the summer months? Why (assuming this ends up going under a knife) can’t it be in the wintertime when I won’t develop the farmers tanline from hell?

SHAZAM! Fear is my middle name, Joe Rogan...

Random Trivia, again.

2005-06-15T13:17:00.000-07:00

Name: Sterno

Birthplace: Springfield, IL

Height: 5'10"...6'0" in the college team roster

First time you ever drank: Senior year of high school, when my friends got a hold of some bud lights and zima bottles.

More of a beer or liquor person: Depends upon the mood.

Type of drunk you are: Loud and happy. I think I occasionally channel the wolfman at this point in the evening.

Ever been in an actual fight: Yes. I prefer the ones on the ice, because ya just never know when the other guy has six black belts.

Favorite drink/shot: Dewars...or occasionally a lemon drop..yeah, I'm a lightweight.

Favorite beer (if applicable): Fat Tire Ale

Favorite liquor: Dewars.

More of a Bar or Club person: Bar

Alcohol you absolutely despise: Goldschlaager makes my stomach churn just from sight alone.

Ever bought a stranger a drink: Yes.. Spreading the love.

Been thrown out of a bar/club: Yes.

Ever make out with someone in front of a cheering crowd: No comment. At least she had all of her teeth ;)

Most amount of money spent in one bar/club: I discovered cash advances at Excalibur up in Chicago back in college, and I'm still paying off the tab.

Ever buy a round for random people: Yeah...a few soldiers that were just back from Afghanistan.

Ever had to play the wingman: Yup. And I've also been the guy that my friends send out to find groups of girls to talk with. whoot.

Best song/band to hear while drinking: I like all kinds, and when you have tastes as eclectic as mine, you can get along to most anything.

Ever danced on the bar/stage: Nope...but I do a mean ass Truffle Shuffle when the occasion allows.

Best town/area to drink in: Probably not here.

Do you forget a lot of what happens during a night of hard drinking: The end of the night...on a heavy drinking night...yeah, it can get fuzzy. Fortunately I have friends that get their jollies from rehashing my behavior to me, in detail, the next few days. And NO, I wasn't really trying to pick Farah's nose that night! hehe

Ever been drunk around your parents: On rare occasions. RARE occasions. VERY rare occasions. As in, practically NEVER happens.

PO-TA-TOES

2005-06-15T10:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's the stupidest thing that you stumble across online that keeps you laughing throughout the day. Thought I'd share one of those things.

Glad to see the guys and gals that came over for a few drinks last night, too. Thanks for hanging out. I'm finishing up a newsletter layout this afternoon, and later on...well, who knows. I'll be in touch.

Equal Opportunity Photoshop Pimping.

2005-06-12T19:46:00.000-07:00

I admittedly take some godawful pictures. I don't believe that I have anything too recent, but there's one of me taken from when I was doing design work for a drag racing magazine (yeah, it was about as glamorous as taking a dump in a brand new portapotty.). Anyway, I was bored, decided to amuse myself by struggling with that age old question-

What if Richard Simmons had a bastard love child?

Well, I'm guessing that kid would not only be obnoxious as all hell (hi, have we met?), but the other kids would put the constant beat down to him.

So here's my take on it:

Just flexing my photoshoppin skills...grabbed an upgrade to adobe CS2...it's a graphic design thing...and wanted to see what all the new stuff has to offer.

So I'm putting it to good use now, wouldn't you agree?

Don't talk Smack about my Cardinals.

2005-06-10T14:42:00.000-07:00

In response to some comments made earlier in the week on Shooey's blog...

Merfe, you'd be one beeeYOOOTiful woman. :)

The Cliffhanger before the weekend...

2005-06-10T13:35:00.000-07:00

Nah, I wasn't referring to the deliberations for Michael jackson's trial...although I am intrigued by THAT. He's whacked, but it sure seems like that kid's family is a bunch of litigious freakshows. I'm talkin about the job with the ad agency here in town. I've been worried that my salary request was too high for the area...too high for the shite graphic design market...too high for my limited web design skillz.

I received an email from the owner this morning, and they wrote:
At this time, we'd like to continue working with you on a freelance basis. We've worked well together and can see the possibility of needing to add someone else full time in the future. So, we'd like to keep the lines of communication open with you. We appreciate your patience in this matter.

I replied, offered to negotiate, told them how much I admire their work (honestly do), and I relayed to them that I hoped that I hadn't put them off by my request. I hadn't, was the reply.

So yeah, that's the cliffhanger. I'm crossing my fingers. Later on the gym manager came in and asked why I was down. I decided to tell her what had happened. The whole shebang. She was more despondent than I was...and she practically begged me not to quit. Hell, I just told her the honest truth-I appreciate the experience they're providing me here, but I just can't afford to stay when 1)I would be getting twice as much as a designer elsewhere, 2)I need benefits, and 3)I'm getting sick of my schedule being jerkier than Richard Simmons in a coffee shop.

I think I can expect a raise pretty soon. I was also told that she was going to talk it over with the owner, and I might be getting paid vacations soon...and benefits.

I must have made a pretty good impression on the place. I'm confident that my hyper-spastic personality translates to the customers getting a good, memorable workout. At least, that is, the ones I train in the two hours after I chug my triple shot mochas.

15 more reps, NOW!!! BANG! BANG! BANG!
yeah, i really am enjoying the ability i have to be freakishly wild and get paid for it at the same time.

Went out last night, and realized that Thursday evenings in Springfield just aren't the same as Thursday evenings in the windy city. It was dead. DEAD. I met up with Shoo at Browns, saw Kyle, Jessie, and a handful of the Brewhaus crowd...then Shoo and I walked over to Floyd's, played some darts, and yawn we parted ways, and I got home by a quarter of midnight. So there's that.

I have to work the gym tomorrow, and although it's looking to be a slow day, I'm working with the cutie trainer, so there's that too.

Anyone listen to the new Coldplay cd? Talk about yer PR hype. Wotta waste of a blank cd. I've heard better sounds when I accidentally turned the ignition in my car when it was already started.

So yeah. Susan-you were a no-show, but since it was a death-knell-of-a-night-out, I'll let ya slide this time. You should apologize to Shoo though-He cried at the end of the night. Totally sad about the missed connection. Ah well.

And as for the rest of ya-have a good weekend, and if you see me out, buy me a shot will ya? Chances are my keys are already in the bartender's pocket.

Shalom!

2005-06-08T18:42:00.000-07:00

Had an idea for a greeting card last night, and I found it extremely amusing in my sleep-deprived state of mind:
A rabbi is looking at his girlfriend earnestly, and she is looking back at him from across the room...the caption would read, "You had me at shalom."

Yeah..this is the point at which you click on the "next blog" button at the top.

OK...still reading? Hell, if you've read the previous two entries, then I don't know what else I can tell ya. Except for this:

Spoke to an old man today in the gym that came in to look around. He was, self-admittedly, in pretty bad shape, and he needs to get his body back to a point where he isn't constantly falling apart. Two new knees, bad hip, and heart issues...Yikes, huh?

He asked me if I had ever played hockey, and we established a great rapport when it turned out we were both wingers-he played semi-pro for a flash, and if he played fifty years ago...hell, I'm betting he's still one tough son of a bitch for a 77 yr old (No helmets, and fighting was a prerequisite). I doubt I'll see him back in there again, but it was fun trading injury stories with him. Hell, he spotted the scars on my chin within a minute of finding out I used to play.

On another note, the week is flying by, and I need a beer later. Thursday evening? Anyone up for a few at Browns or Floyds? The first person that mentions the brewhaus gets smacked. No scotch on the rocks for me this time. The howling wolfman shall be kept on a short leash, I promise.

OH, and yeah-I dropped $50 at Barnes Ignoble last night on a few books and a few design rags. The most interesting thing was the big hardcover that I spotted on the bargain rack right by the registers. It's a gallery of comic strips from the past 100 years...primarily strips from 1900-1950. Calvin and Hobbes has one page at the end, and that's fine, because the real gem is in the reprinted Blondie comics...from when it was still drawn by the original artist and Blondie hadn't married Dagwood. Then there are the great strips from Pogo...and were you aware that Dr. Suess used to draw a daily strip? It's named Hejji , and it's unmistakable Suessian illustration. I've never seen it before. There are tons more...Krazy Kat, Yellow Kid, Little Nemo's Slumberland, and so on...but I'll spare you for now. Personally, I enjoy looking over these things for inspiration-design and layout...styles...the varied slang and lettering techniques...

Anyway, it was $10 well spent.

And Thursday evening. Comment here or let me know one way or another if anyone (local) is interested.

A Few MORE things...

2005-06-06T20:56:00.000-07:00

I smoke too much. And I work as a personal trainer. I feel like a hypocrite because of this.

I wish I was 6'8". I was the shortest one among my roommates at the U of Ill...Most of them were basketball players and football players. (I'm 5'10")

I think I'm a closet republican. What's that? Well screw you too.

I dish it better than I take it.

My older sister was an influence on my musical tastes, no matter how much I wish I could argue that...so if you see some Indigo Girls or Sarah MacLachlan (hell, anything Lilith Fair~ish) in my iPod, you can just blame her. Although she did introduce me to my fave Pink Floyd album ever: Momentary Lapse of Reason.

I think that Jenna Elfman is one of the most beautiful actresses in Hollywood. Yeah. Dharma.

I can't bake for crap. Everytime I make cookies, they end up being used as coasters.

I can't be in the same room when someone is reading my comics. I think it's rude.

I spend WAAAAAY too much time on the web.

A few things about me that you might not have known...

2005-06-06T15:33:00.000-07:00

Getting new and interesting ideas for a blog can be somewhat challenging, especially when you have to make a conscious effort not to just rant about what the idiots at work or the cabbie did to piss you off on your way to work. And so, in keeping with a lighter mood, I figured I would jot down a few things about yours truly, in hopes of providing some semblance of depth to myself.

In high school I weighed about 160lbs, and my friends nicknamed me Ichabod Sternie.

I wear glasses that could start a wildfire if left unattended in a patch of grass.

I beat out everyone in the 5th and 6th grade when I was 11 during a spelling bee. I was not considered cool then. Or now, whatever.

I started playing hockey my sophomore year of high school, and although I had never ice skated before this point, I discovered a sport I was actually able to enjoy playing. I made the third string at the U of Illinois my sophomore year.

I quit playing two years ago when I royally screwed up my right thumb...my drawing hand...and after I had surgery to replace the radial collateral ligament I decided to hang up the skates for good.

I hate bullies. To this day, and my good friends will attest to this fact, just about the only thing that will get my blood boiling enough to get me into a fight is if I see a big guy picking on someone smaller. Strike this up to being bullied when I was younger...and too small to do anything about it.

I read a lot, but unless I'm on vacation I have difficulty finishing books. I think I'm midway through nearly 6 books right now.

I've been in love once in my life, and it took me nearly a year to recover after getting my heart broken.

I think that I've probably passed on several great women that I used to date because I was too immature to realize just how great of a catch they really were.

I can yank a helmet and facemask combo off someone's face in one fluid motion. Useless ability #32

I have a deep seated desire to move away to Vermont and work from a design studio sequestered in the woods next to a brook.

My favorite sound is that of the a heavy rain beating down on the roof while I'm about to fall asleep.

I hate cornnuts. The smell makes my stomach churn.

...more later

Some ideas for Halloween...

2005-06-04T14:28:00.000-07:00

It's right around the corner, and I figured...well, since my costume debacle from last year's Halloween party...

and MAN did that bastard hit me hard with the clubby thing...asshat!

...I had better get around to figuring out a better costume for this October. Don't laugh now-I've been suffering from depression since last year's arrest, and I think I might have overdone it a bit with the ho-hos and fast food.

Without further adieu-

It's a timeless classic. EVERYONE loves Spiderman!
Gotta...ungh...spandex...too...TIGHT...must try on the other one...

Then again, there's the possibility of being a villain this year too..

Thank you, thank you... Move over there, Tyra...there's a new model in town.

Plenty of time to think it over. What are your suggestions, people?

Kissing a Nun- SINNER!!

2005-06-03T18:57:00.000-07:00

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, number 1, you have to be single and 2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

_"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfils his
fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

The stress! The STRESS! I gotta go squeeze one out...

2005-06-03T13:18:00.000-07:00

Um, kidding.
You totally had the vision though, didn't you? Sick bastards.

Actually figured I would drop a note in to update the readers here with the finale...the GRAND-ASS finale, biotch...for the way the week played ME out.

I'm walkin again. As in, pressure is now applicable on the bum ankle. However, I got a little carried away and took the stairs two at a time this afternoon by accident, and the first step resulted in a nice, sharp, stabbing pain in my ankle. As if my ligament was attempting to communicate to my brain, "Hey buttfuck-Not done healing down here, a'ight?"

Yeah. So there's that.

Also have to go in to work at the gym next week from 5am til whenever (seriously, it's the FIVE AM part that makes me cringe...hell, keep me until 10pm, but 5am? MUTHERFOCK). I heard today that one of the trainers was fired this week for sexual harrassment. Dumbass. I mean, SERIOUSLY, how can someone be so callous nowadays? I heard he was a creep, so the news didn't completely surprise me. Never had to work with him, but I heard he was a little too friendly with another trainer too. Also, he has one leg. ONE. And he rides his bike everywhere-no car. So you can kinda figure out where this leads...No car, no LEG, no perceivable game. So he's hard up enough to start harassing the clientele? Please... now that's a fool I will NOT pity.

My physical touching when I'm training someone is SO minimal...I mean, it's a different story if I run into someone at the bar (and I'm a few drinks into the evening), but thank God that hasn't happened yet. I'd probably hear about that bearhug later in the week from an unhappy manager, ya know?

I'm a professional, damn it.
Yeah, but a professional what?

Doing some more freelance work for the ad agency...but no word yet as to the job offer. Next week. Cross yer fingers... Otherwise it's back to the books before I hit that certification test for personal training.

The owner of the gym I'm at right now asked me to redesign some magnets that he uses to reward the clientele when they lose weight/inches after a weigh-in. So I think he's gonna be pleasantly surprised when he sees the design I'm giving him...and then he's gonna drop a lumpy, stank ass substance in his windpants when I hand him my invoice.

Fuck you...I set my OWN rates for design work, pal.

I doubt he'll be so pushy about expecting me to jump for him for cheap design work in the future. However, if he's smart, he'll ask me to redesign his company's look overall...I'd be willing to help him out, and I know that he's netting a shitload after he pays the trainers with sawdust and dingleberries picked from his dog's ass.

Should apologize- This post is a little worked up...I'm dying from not being able to get out and do anything all week...pent up energy, unvented aggression...

GAHHR. <---That's Hulk-stylin' for the readers in the know, yo.

Oh, and I've been listening to some new music d/l's...I guess if you like rap...good rap...try out Zion I, Jean Grae, and the new Common album.

Gotta go-the voices are yelling again.

Yep. I'll get right on that.

2005-06-01T14:31:00.000-07:00

AND...yeah. I've been able to start hobbling around on my bad foot finally. Slowly. Painfully. CAREFULLY. God, I'm such a gimpy bastard. Stupid ankle. Now I have a new pair of crutches that I essentially only used two days. I suppose I should hold onto them just in case I decide to play frisbee again. heh.

The owner of the ad agency replied to my last email today, and I have to wait a week before they decide if my salary request is doable. I only have one thing to say in regards to that:

DO IT! HIRE ME! I NEED THE MOOLAH!!! I WANT STUFF! HIRE ME!

OK, now that that's all settled...

Hmmm...what else?

I love lamp? Naw. But I have been enjoying my "vacation" from the day job this week. Studying outside on the deck while getting a suntan? Not bad, ya know? I suppose I had better enjoy these days in the sun before I get that job offer ~knock on wood~ to begin a regular desk job again.

At least I'll be the tannest one in the office, huh?

OK...one more Anchorman quote: "It smells like a turd rolled in burnt hair!"

Camp Happy and the Unfortunate Experience

2005-05-30T09:11:00.000-07:00

Ah well, about the weekend...

I went up to Fossil Rock Campgrounds in Braidwood, IL last Friday to meet up with several good friends of mine, and set up my tent, and had my second scotch poured by the time my friends arrived. Great times, seriously. We grilled, played some bag toss, frisbee, and drank copious amounts of booze.

Saturday morning, I awoke without a hangover and four hours of sleep under my belt. Pretty soon afterward, my friend Jay got up and we started to toss the frisbee back and forth. I was jogging in a field to catch one of his tosses when I stepped into a hole and felt that stomach-churning POP that you associate with rolling your ankle.

So I hopped to the tent, grabbed a plastic bag, filled it with ice, and wrapped this around my foot with my tshirt. All withing two minutes of the initial pop, and the damned thing was already the size of a baseball.

The rest of the day was spent getting some sun in the campsite, sitting on a chair and drinking myself silly. I was upbeat about it, and didn't allow myself time to be down...I figured my friends would find other places to hang if that was the case. SO, the weekend organizers were walking by, saw me in my hobbled state, and decided that I was going to win the "Camp Happy OOPS award". So I had that goin' for me...which is nice.

I have a pair of crutches now. Third degree sprain. Ice compresses. My ankle's fragile like Eric Lindros. SheeeeeeYIT. Guess I might have to take a hiatus from the personal training gig for a week or so. I mean, I have to be able to spot people with heavy weights, and I sure as hell can't when I'm standing on one foot. AAARGH.

Time to stop ignoring my drafting table. And btw-does anyone happen to know a vitamin supplement for strengthening ligaments? Ligaplex?

The Unspoken Rules of Graphic Design

2005-05-26T16:17:00.000-07:00

1. Your fonts will default to the worst possible font available on the machine you are showing your work on.

2. If you have two versions of a photo, the wrong one will make its way to the printer.

3. The less time you have the more useless your computer will become.

4. Promises made by the sales staff have no basis in reality.

5. The sales staff will promise anything.

6. If the text consists of two words, one will be misspelled.

7. Speed. Quality. Affordability. Pick any two.

8. If the run is wrong, it's never the press operator's fault.

9. Spell checkers don't.

10. Grammar checkers don't, either.

11. Proof raeders are useless.

12. Global search-and-replaces aren't.

13. The index entry you leave out will be the first one the client looks under.

14. Optical Character Recognition (OCR) is good comedy.

15. If three designs are shown to a client, your least favorite will be chosen or any combination of worst components of each.

16. If two designs are shown, a third will be requested. If provided, then one of the first two will be chosen.

17. If you ask for more copy it will be sent as a .jpg. If you ask for images they will send powerpoint presentations.

18. Clients don't have their company logo in a usable print ready format so don't bother asking.
"but I pulled this gif off of our website, ok? use this."
19. Blue line proofs reveal previously invisible errors.

20. The best designs never survive contact with the client.

21. You will misspell the name of the client's spouse.

22. Your best idea is already copyrighted.

23. The best way to find errors in your code is to show a client "a new feature".

24. There is no stock photo ever made that matches the image you have in your head.

25. Creative inspiration flows in inverse proportion to the distance from the studio.

26. Time allowed to complete work is inversely proportional to time taken by client to work out what to complain about.

27. Doctors, astronauts, and plumbers need training to do their jobs, but anyone with a computer is a graphic designer.

28. No matter how detailed the tech support FAQ is, nobody has ever heard of your problem.

29. The number of colors in a client's design will equal the number of colors in the original bid specs, plus two.

30. The client's disk won't run on your equipment & when it does will contain unusable copyrighted images.

31. If you purchase new equipment to read your client's disk, it will be the last disk of that type you will ever receive.

32. Your client will often not like your design but not quite know why.

33. Computer crashes always happen exactly 30 seconds before saving.

34. A client who knows exactly what he wants is worse than one that has no idea.

35. Clients who do not provide content upfront will complain about the use of Lorem Ipsum.

36. Everything has to be done immediately, deadlines are incredibly important unless client has to provide materials or approve your work.

37. The customer is always right . And an idiot.

There are at least 5 things you could think to add to this list if only you had more time. So go ahead, add them.

(Stolen from Adland.com)

If and when the NHL should begin again...

2005-05-25T08:43:00.000-07:00

Sidney Crosby will be hailed as the next great player...much in the way Kobe was hailed as MJ's sucessor in the NBA.

I haven't seen him play, but he's being touted by everyone that has, and I only hope that he doesn't wind up being the next Eric Lindros...solid, but fragile.

Oh, and I also want to point out that Crosby is wearing all Reebok equipment. Nice. I think this is great, because I despise Nike's hockey gear. It's crap.

That's about it. I work today from 2 til close, so if anyone wants to meet up for the late showing of Star Wars (those of you in town), drop me a line.

Another Rejection Slip

2005-05-23T11:04:00.000-07:00

Well, I received another response from one of the seven national comic syndicates that I sent off my strip to a few months ago. This time it was the Washington Post Syndicate. I've received five responses now, and of the five, three were personal letters informing me that my strip was being passed upon, one was a phone call from the Tribune editor, and the last was an impersonal rejection slip. Not too bad, I suppose. I think that the Washington Post's comics editor gave me the best feedback that I've received so far, and now I'm going to begin the process of reworking my concept to give myself a better shot at syndication.

Essentially, I need to retool my cast of characters to make the strip resonate a bit more loudly with the readers. I.E., I'm going to drop the two monkeys and maintain focus upon Sterno and Cameron, and keep the strip geared around the crap ass day job, and Sterno's fallible dating life.

Shouldn't be too far of a stretch for me to come up with a few more strips to fill in that void where the monkeys were. Yeah, I loved drawing the two goofy little bastards, but I suppose I can project their rambunctiousness and gamboling into the other characters a little more.

But still...DAMN, I need a full time gig with benefits! :p

These E-mail ads are BULLSHIT

2005-05-22T16:18:00.000-07:00

Thought I might give the four hour stiffy a shot after receiving about twenty email ads a day telling me all about it. What the hell, let's try that Propecia, Cialis, Levitra, and whatever else they're selling. I don't think I need any of it, but it's cheap as hell and who am I to pass up a bargain like that?

Oh, and then I decided to look into these great deals on pills that actually ENHANCE my manhood! Sooo...question is, how do you define your manhood? Will these pills give me a new apartment and a nice full time gig with benefits?

What's that? OHHHHH...
OK, and then I figured, wtf, I can always use another college degree, and these are only about $350.00! Beauticians do ok, right? I'll make you look reeeeeeeeal purty. HELLO, University of Phoenix.

I decided to go through ALL the spammage in my inboxes-all four email accounts, and see what I could discern from the randomness. Here's what I discovered-

•Trips to Israel...
"For young men, ages 18-29, Aish HaTorah's 2-4 week introductory program, Essentials, is the perfect start for your spiritual quest. Classes are held in Aish HaTorah's new building directly opposite the Western Wall."
I don't speak/read Hebrew, but what the hey-Let's go check out Israel! CHEAP!

• I could meet a nice Christian single the weekend after I get back from the holy land...
"At WhereChristiansMeet, you can meet like-minded christians that are single like you!"
Uh huh. Seriously...are the religious factions just sending these ads out to complete fucking randoms nowadays? I mean, who would I meet at this site? They obviously don't look too carefully into your background if they send these ads to an email account named redbaboonass99, right?

No, that's not really the account name.

Seriously.

• My $500 Pottery Barn card never showed up, and I think that I may have been tricked into receiving even more spam when I tried getting that thing. All ya have to do is sign up online with your email addy, drop a hundred bucks or so on some stuff from Sears, and they send you the gift card, along with a free iPod. I'm THIS close to taking my hockey stick and going down there to the Pottery Barn...and ask "politely" to receive my card. Bullshit, man. BULLSHIT.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Yeah, ok. Enough for now. Weekend was ok, I suppose. Went up to Schaumburg on Friday for one of my friend's weddings, and came back early yesterday morning. My head was thobbin', so I slept for a few hours, went out with my pal Teddy who was back in town for the weekend. He wanted to stay out till the wee hours, and I returned home at 3:30am,spent. Today I studied, recuped, and did nothing in general. Fun stuff right?

I just want to say this:
I FUCKING HATE THE NIGHT SCENE HERE.

Unless it's an exceptional evening out, I just get sick of seeing some of the same people everytime I venture out. I'm not saying everyone is a loser, I'm saying that you run into the same people here everytime you go out it seems. The SAME CROWD. Every. Damned. Time.

If it wasn't for the small group of friends I do have in town, I would probably stay in all the time. Yeah. Whoohoo, huh? Pass the razorblades please.

Another Hump Day

2005-05-18T07:40:00.000-07:00

hehehe...shoot.

Well, I have to admit, I'm beginning to get a reputation at the gym I work at as being a pretty hard trainer. Considering I only have a half hour per session to make the clients sweat, I squeeze as much effort out of them as I can. And in doing so I have developed some exercises that are guaranteed to make them sweat bullets. Abs, especially. Hell, I was sick for a week and when I began doing these exercises with the clients again this week I was physically trembling from the overload. Yeah, I suppose it's safe to say I'm beginning to really enjoy this job. BUT I NEED A RAISE, DAMN IT!

I am going to Chicago on Friday for a friend's wedding. Or rather, his reception. I believe that I will skip the ceremony and head straight to the party. Is that poor form? I dunno-but what the hell, they'll still get a present from yours truly (NO, it's not a bottle of scotch).

I had a phone call from the gym manager this morning at 6:30, telling me that I would be coming in to work tomorrow at 5am, and working until 9am. Poor friggin clients won't know what hit 'em...but I can tell you guys-it's called a 20 oz mocha with two extra espresso shots. I'lll be dancing a jig behind them as they struggle with the free weights I hand off to 'em. It's called the overload principle. Dig it, bitches.

Rode 20 miles in the park yesterday afternoon, and Shooey joined me for the last 3 or 4 laps. Poor bastard-he's accustomed to riding trails, not chugging up the long hills in the park. I think he'll get to the point where he can keep up, but the starting point is always a bitch. I caught myself slipping into sadistic trainer mode yesterday with him, yelling encouragement at him...

NO COASTING! C'mon Shoo! Hit the hills hard, man! ATTACK THE HILLS!

I have to watch that around friends. They think I'm crazy enough as is. But then, I am crazy, so it all kinda works out in the end.

I was asked by a coworker at the gym to design a logo for his baseball team yesterday. Notice any trend here? He was surprised when I told him it would take more than an hour (hello) and he sure didn't have a budget. So, I came to an agreement where he would buy me a few cases of Fat Tire (picking it up the next time he goes to St Louis), and I will give him something that will look pretty cool on a t shirt. Besides which-I need to amp up my logos on my website, so these are great excuses to do so. And I love Fat Tire.

I love lamp.

Peas.

And another week bites the dust

2005-05-15T23:52:00.000-07:00

Good riddance. My throat is better, but not 100%, and I skipped working out all week. I just want to feel normal again. Whatever that means.

Tonight I stepped out onto the side deck and heard two owls hooting loudly. I caught the sihlouette of one as it flew from one oak tree to another, and it must have had a wingspan of about four feet. Pretty impressive. For as much as I like to knock this old hometown of mine, I have to admit that I see much cooler wildlife around the Grove than I ever did in Chicago. I mean, owls, ducks, and chipmunks beat the socks off of possums and rats any day.

I met up for coffee with my pal Shooey today at B&N bookstore. He's dying to get on the Sterno Bike-til-yer-skinny-again plan...so as soon as I kick this bug entirely, we'll hit up the park hardcore. That reminds me-I need to find a good, wireless odometer/spedometer for my bike. My half assed method for judging how far I've travelled was just about the lousiest way to go about things last year. I mean, I can't even tell ya how many extra laps I must have ridden because I lost count (I mean, aside from repeating "seven, seven, seven, seven"...it's easy to miscount)

OK, and another thing- I completely wimped out this weekend. I skipped out on the parties, the bars, and pretty much didn't do anything social either night. I felt lousy, decided that HAD I gone out, I would have been the guy sipping on a coke and watching everyone else get hammered. So no, I opted out.

I have a few new dvd's now though-
About a Boy, Seabiscuit, Garden State, Equilibrium, Finding Neverland, Harold and Kumar, and The Butterfly Effect.

Oh...I saw a job listing for a personal trainer at Gold's Gym in Chicago, on the Gold Coast, for about $45/hr. It requires a 4-year degree (score that), CPR certification (in the plans), and a nationally accredited certification (which I'm studying for now).

Not that I can apply for this one, but these jobs are out there...which is more than I can say about my other career right now.

Oh, and speaking of job listings, I saw an ad in the local newspaper today for the magazine that I used to work for a few months ago, looking for a designer. I threw up in my mouth a little when I read their company name. I'm tempted as hell to subscribe the jagoff owner's email to a porno spam listing...

He smelled terrible, and surfed porn all day behind closed doors. Also berated his wife and employees in public. He did that to me once and although I was staring at him the entire time, waiting for an opportunity to return fire (He was completely in the wrong), he never took his eyes off the table, and then stormed out of the office like a child with a temper tantrum. I resigned post haste.

Seriously, I've only been out of college for about four years, but my terrible experiences in the field of design have led me to believe that landing a great job is practically a pipe dream. I mean...someone asked me today why, if I have a degree in graphic design, am I not employed somewhere full time? I told him (and this is a half truth) that I prefer to be my own creative director. That I prefer not to have to be the account rep's bitch. That I can do what I want, represent myself better than anyone else can, and I know what's going on all the time. Things like that get lost in translation sometimes when you have an office full of employees with their own agenda.

Basically-I enjoy what I'm doing right now, but I could use a raise ;)

So this is what shit feels like...

2005-05-12T19:40:00.000-07:00

Ow. My throat is killin' me this week. I suppose it could have been from sleeping underneath my ceiling fan the other night, on top of the covers...but tonight my entire body is one throbbing ache. I think I'll sleep in until 10am tomorrow morning.

The ad agency asked me to do some hurry-up job for them this weekend, and they told me that the logos I designed for them last week went over really well with the client. I should have billed more, damn it ;)

Trained my little old lady today too. She dyed her hair red and was wearing copious amounts of perfume. She likes to wink at me. No longer reminds me of my grandma. Creepin me out now.

I get to work the Saturday shift this weekend at the gym. WhoooooHOOOoooo... I enjoy getting to work at the BCOD (butt crack of dawn). S'ok...next weekend is Chicago-My pal Marciniec is getting hitched...to a corporate fitness consultant! hehe-loads to talk about. I just need to look at the wedding invitation again and figure out what her name was again.

Lauren? Angela? Sara? mmmmmMMMmarsha? shit.

Oh-one more thing... WHY is it that when you have to stay in because you're sick or you have to work the next morning (or both, in my case), there's an instant flood of calls from people that want to hang out, invite you to parties, and try to pressure you into doing what you know you can't do?

Just saying. I'm still waiting on the booty call tonight (the rest of the bases have been covered, so why NOT expect this one?). Sorry, Shoo. Not you.

Something twisted. No more yankie my wanky.

2005-05-12T00:25:00.000-07:00

Dude, I don't know. Seriously, don't bother asking. I'm tired and I am crashing out NOW.

All you need to know is that Mr. T is one twisted guy.

Hump day. Yep. I said HUMP.

2005-05-11T09:52:00.000-07:00

Well, lets see...where to begin?

My $300 personal training study guide materials arrived yesterday, and now I have no excuses left. I have to study up and pass the ACE certification test. Hey, my salary would gety jacked twice fold with this. Not that that's saying one helluva lot, but it's going to help.

I finally reached my goal of 10 laps in Washington Park yesterday, and I mean 10 laps strong. My legs are back in working order finally, so all I have left is to save up, get a road bike, and possibly an odometer. Not necessarily in that order. Hell, I want all kinds of things...new laptop, new apartment, a dog...but one step at a time.

I haven't spoken much with my pals up in Chi town for a while. Springfield has a notoriety for being the black hole into which people disappear from others up north. I miss the big city...I miss my friends, I miss the nightscene. Hell, I miss my old apartment. Almost a full year since I moved home.

It's 81º outsidew right now. I have to go train some people at 2:30 this afternoon. I'm hitting up laundry right now. I have no energy to do much else than get lunch, clean up, and go into work with a four shot mocha. THEN I'll get some energy.

Yup. Four shots of espresso and I become Richard Simmons' bastard love child.

You get the idea.

My pal Shoo has his own place now...

2005-05-07T10:28:00.000-07:00

Congrats Shoo-

Well, your own, with a roommate I meant to say.

And the roommate is already referring to him as Wifey.

It's only a matter of time. Don't fall into that vicious cycle, Shoo...

Abusive relationships are never good.

I could become a COP...

2005-05-06T13:52:00.000-07:00

Yeah, the other afternoon one of my clients was telling me I should go down to the municipal building and apply for a job on the police force. She's a cop herself, and pretty cool as well. Locals might recognize her as the woman that did the Crimestoppers commercials for a few years. She thinks I would make a pretty good officer. I don't have the heart to tell her I'm scared as hell of guns. Well, scared of getting stabbed in the neck by a looney, or dealing with some of the trashy people these guys undoubtedly deal with everyday. I lived in Chicago for five years already-I'm jaded enough as is.

Ad agency dug three of the six logos I gave them the other day...nice.

Gym is going smoothly. I get along with everyone that I work with, and anyone that's been out of college for a few years can attest to that being a complete fucking rarity. Nice guys all around. And one female trainer hottie, to boot :)

Went for a good bike ride yesterday...seven laps around the park...about 15 miles or so. I'll be back up to 10-15 laps by mid month. God, I want a road bike.

Mowed the yard too. Can't complain about the small chores when you have weather as great as its been the past two days, right? Like I've said-it beats the HELL outta staring at the sun from behind a window in a cubicle.

New Star Wars Movie is coming SOON!!!!

2005-05-06T10:10:00.000-07:00

Oh hell yes. Teddy saw it the other night up in Chicago for a screening, and he said (George Lucas' abysmal attempts at writing dialogue aside) it was awesome.

I'm getting kinda pumped over this, as you can probably see from my webcam posted here.

Ya know...

2005-05-04T00:53:00.000-07:00

I'm wishing that I could fast forward the next few weeks or so and just find out what these last remaining comic strip syndicates have to say about my comic strip. I sent out to the six major national syndicates, have been rejected by three, and I am still awaiting word from the last three. At least you KNEW what day Santa would be leaving you presents under the fuckin tree.

Or in my case, coal. Hannukah Harry left me some kick ass argyle socks a few times too. Bless him.

I'm more or less living in a gym nowadays. I swear...I work out with the clientele during the daytime (hell, if I've shown each person how to do ab crunches the correct way, I've done about two hundred by the end of my shift every day). I'm developing that ever elusive six pack, without too much effort. My shoulders, for the same reason as the abs, are bigger than when I was 19-20 and playing ice hockey in college. I'm not bragging, but I AM amused, considering my body at this time last year (225lbs, my all time record lard-osity). The human body is one fucking amazing mechanism. Now I'm just waiting for the weather to warm up again so I can get back out on my bike. Running on the treadmill is one of the most boring, soul sucking activities I can imagine, just behind sitting in front of a monitor for twelve hours a day. I dunno...maybe I'd be happy when I win the lottery and I can travel the globe instead of work?

I have to swing by the local ad agency tomorrow morning and have some logo designs reviewed. I think there might be a few winners, but then again, I thought Lemony Snicket looked like it might be an entertaining movie the other night. My judgement isn't flawless. In fact, it's been downright sketchy the past few months. FOCK.

I worked with a 435lb man this evening. I honestly hesitated before asking him if he wanted to do some ab-work. I mean, come ON. Nice enough fellow, but I think (just my opinion here folks) that paying 30 bucks a few times a week for this is pointless...If it were my call I would get this guy out doing road work (walking, biking, walking some more) five, six times a week until he lost that girth (I said girth). When you can see your toes, THEN let's get back to the weights. Just me. Whatever.

I also had an opportunity to talk to the daughter of one of the octogenarians that I've been training the past few weeks. The daughter called from Philly, and I spoke to her at length about her mom. She was ecstatic that her mom had decided to start doing this for herself, and she wanted to purchase the next three months' sessions for a Mother's Day gift. I think she enjoyed hearing me talk about how well her mother was doing with her training. I wasn't making any of it up though-Her mother is continually showing improvements, complains less than some of the 18 yr olds I work with, and gives me a hug when she leaves each time.

(I miss my grandma after typing that)

Oh, and I picked up a dvd of Felix the Cat cartoons a while back for a buck. KICK. ASS. They don't make kids cartoons where the characters get sloshed on moonshine and trip out (anymore). No sound either...I think it would make for an interesting background if you had it playing at a party...

But hey-just rambling. :)

Saturday Afternoon's Calm before the Evening Storm

2005-04-30T14:47:00.000-07:00

Ah yes. Finally made it through another long, tedious week. Good news is, I received three paychecks yesterday-The big one from the Chicago agency, a medium sized one from the ad agency here in town, and a teeny tiny one from the gym for last week's efforts.

So I bought a new hard drive and some running shoes this morning with some of the cash. Actually just got back from running around Washington park, too. I needed more than new shoes apparently. I think it's safe to say that I am OFFICIALLY trying to quit the smoking habit. Again. But yeah, I had my last one a few days ago, and after that, I've been hitting up as much aerobic exercise as I can to remind my body why I need to quit. It's working. My body hates cigarettes more than ever because the 4-mile runs are nothing but painful.

I stayed in last night, watched Lemony Snicket, realized it was pretty bad, and crashed early. TONIGHT...um, who wants to drive me home tonight? I think I might hit up the night scene pretty hard this time. All I need are a few friends and a loose plan on where to go. Hell, shouldn't be hard...that's essentially the plan for EVERY weekend here in town.

Oh, and Shoo-I'll do the profession thing later, I promise.

This week is sucking so far

2005-04-26T13:46:00.000-07:00

Oh man...where to begin?

I have been getting great compliments at the gym from all the people I've been training-actually, they're telling my manager that I'm top notch, which is pretty encouraging since I was on the fence as far as paying the 4 or 5 hundred bucks it might cost for the training materials and test for my certification as a personal trainer. Not to mention, it's pretty easy to motivate people when they're halfway there themselves...I mean, there's a reason they're in there shelling out cash for the one on one training. They want to get their body back in shape, and they need someone that knows the motions. Oh, I doubt I would have gotten the job had I applied last summer (when I was 30lbs heavier). But the pay bites. The hours bite. The experience is what I need and am getting.

I'm still waiting on about, oh lets see...$3000 in old bills to clients. Taxes were paid a few weeks ago and I still haven't been paid for jobs that were wrapped up nearly half a year ago. Someone mentioned bringing a lawyer into the mix, but I would prefer to maintain some of these clients for future work...at least until I add more clients to my roster.

BUT...a 15" powerbook laptop would be pretty nice right about now.

So why is the week sucking? The weather is lousy, the sun has crept back behind the cover of the clouds, and my tan is fading into oblivion.

I'll keep ya posted on the design job when as it develops.

The Interview: A Recap

2005-04-21T17:59:00.000-07:00

Well, as if I would have to take a moment to ponder which job I would rather have...personal training, or graphic design for a reputable, respected agency in the 'patch that will pay me nearly three times better than the gym will.

Hold on, gimme a moment...still pondering here..

But seriously, I walked out of their office yesterday feeling pretty good (knocking on wood whenever I can) about the meeting with the owners of the agency. Not only would I be given a LOT of creative license working for them, but they spoke to me at length about how they treat their employees...and it means a lot to hear them talk about incentives, employee retention, and all that jazz. Of course, if you were familiar with the monster she-beast bitch of a boss I had in Chicago, you'd be a little wary of it being lip service too...but from the experience I have had with these women in the past few months freelancing with them- all signs are pointing towards them being heartfelt. (/run-on sentence)

SO...

My legs are bruised all over from the past few days of working in the gym setting. I'm a natural clutz, as is, so I bump into the equipment all the time without even thinking about it. When I was a little kid I was so bruised and cut up all the time...it's something of a miracle that DCFS never paid my parents a visit. I was goofin off last night before my shift was over, decided to do a few pull ups on the squat rack, and neglected to remove the bar before I did the first one. VOILA! Bloody shins. Thankfully the other trainer was off elsewhere, otherwise I think he might have laughed his ass off watching me rub my shins for the next five minutes.

SooOOo...the interview? Good. I only need to put together some print ads and logos (concepts and sketches to show the creative processes I use) to send the owners, and then I will probably provide a salary range that will be fair for this town.

Oh, and the best part of all? I'll finally be able to afford my own pad again. My. Own. Place. Oh God. YES!

Randomness

2005-04-19T14:23:00.000-07:00

Chimp in Dress: "Hey Joe-You take out the photographer, and I'll rip the face offa the muthafugga that dressed us up like this, ok?"

Chimp in Suit: "No mercy, Frank."

(Just reminded me of that old movie with Matthew Broderick...Project X? The one where everyone went expecting to see more "Ferris Bueller", and got gypped into watching some messed up animal cruelty flick. SIGH...and on THAT note...)

I made a woman scream four times this morning...

2005-04-19T12:48:00.000-07:00

...during my first solo training session. It was great. Sadistic, but great. She later went to my manager and told her I did a good job, and she was happy with the session. I'm tellin you-This personal training thing is a breeze. As long as you know a multitude of exercises, provide the client with enough feedback and support, and don't cave to their begging for mercy...it's easier to do than I had thought initially.

My back is itching like mad. Damn the sunburn from Saturday. I think the aloe vera only made matters worse last night when I applied it after my shower. I finally understand the phrase "crawling out of my skin". I was DYING.

I went in to the gym at 5am this morning, worked until 8:30am, and I go back from 5-9pm this evening. Hopefully I can get a few more members under my belt and get to a point where I am pretty comfortable helping these people with their workouts. I don't worry about being too over the top-if you saw how the owner goes about HIS training sessions...you'd understand. I promise you that I will NEVER lean my head on your thigh when you are on the hip sled, and coax a few more reps out of you. If I do, you have permission to let one rip.

coffcoff

ANYHOO.

My Cannondale has a flat tire, so I have to take that into the shop and get the tube replaced tomorrow. I went in yesterday and the dude that has helped me in the past came up and told me that they had a trade-in in the back of the shop. It's an older model Trek road bike, and it's only $200. I want. My mountain bike has been great and all, but I never take it on the trails. For what I do, and where I live (I mean, come ON...downhill?? In the midwest? pshaw), I would tear up the roads with this thing. I still have a little winter belly thing going on, and I need to hit the pavement again. Gorgeous outside too...

There's a new Pope. President Bush was in Springfield today for 12.62 minutes. Ten years ago today terrorists attacked Oklahoma City. There's your news flash. Oh, and the cookie monster will now be teaching preschoolers the importance of moderation in dietary habits. SUCK.

The Jobby Job Hunt Continues...

2005-04-18T09:29:00.000-07:00

Wow. I start a new job this afternoon at a smallish personal training facility in town...I interviewed with the owner on Sunday morning, and then a few hours later received a call back where he asked me to come in this morning and fill out my W2 form. Whoot.

SOOO...I suppose I get to see how much I enjoy this area. Who knows, right? I'm fairly upbeat, and can be downright sickeningly energetic when you catch me in the right mood. I suppose I get to try to channel this into a new afternoon schedule where I will be assisting mainly older, overweight women into achieving their fitness goals. I doubt I will be smoking anywhere near the premises, too ;)

I just read an email when I got back this morning from the ad agency here in town that I've been freelancing for in the past few months. They're looking to hire on a new full time graphic designer, and they'd like to check my book/portfolio again. Man...When it rains, it pours, right?

Astounding, considering I was a day away from going to work for the family in one of the downtown parking lots. OMGWTFLOL. right.

Can you imagine me...ME...as the next tollbooth Willy? Ferreal yo. I'd last about half a day before I got fired for heckling the dumbasses that scrape the pennies out of their car to pay their tickets.

I'll keep ya posted. Wish me luck-I want the design position badly.

Oh, and I'm sunburnt to all hell too. Yard work was a bitch on Saturday. I treated the neighbors to a little half nekkidness. I think Old Mrs. Kraznik must have driven by the house about five times. Wotta perv...ha!

TAX DAY

2005-04-15T09:50:00.000-07:00

My family, as they see me now...

"Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly...far far away...pray with me Forrest..."

I just sent off my taxes...only had to cough up $1100 this year to Uncle Sam and his club-wielding cronies. SIGH.

I suppose it's getting to the point where I should break down and cry-I mean, who else do you know that has two bachelors and still can't find a decent paying job? Damn it...I wish I was kidding, but I'm about a week away from getting a day job working as a parking lot attendant. Whoo fuckin HOO. Can someone please let me borrow their gun? One round too, if you can spare it.

I've become "That guy". I made fun of that guy in college. I never dreamt I would see such a low point in my life. I suppose there's not much else to do than get better from this point on...

Teddy moved earlier this week to Chicago. I no longer have a drinking buddy/neighbor, which sucks. Melissa, that's not a knock...we've just never hung out in the grove.

Shoo called earlier this week and had an extra ticket for the Cards/Reds game for noon that day, so I asked my boss (HA) and got the afternoon off. Good time, although the weather was chilly and the hot girls in bikini tops were non-existent. The high school tramps sitting directly behind us were a source of amusement, however. Eavesdropping proved to be one of the highpoints of the game, if you can imagine. I suppose that the redbirds are off to a slow start this season. Go figure.

Um...yeah. I'm still waiting on a few checks from a few clients, and if they don't come through soon, my checks for my taxes are gonna make a great impression of Kyle....and bounce.

~ducks incoming shoe~

SO....

yeah.

YES, I have been slacking

2005-04-12T08:39:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted a new entry in a week or so. Rather than bore you with the typical recap, allow me to offer up some items that I've been pondering steadfastly for a while now...

1) Do women have manuals that we can read and use in order to understand theem better? Guys don't...we're pretty simple like that. I just...damn. I've never been able to figure women out. I suppose that's their secret to keeping us in check so well.

2) What's wrong with using monkeys in a comic strip? WHY would an editor call it "disconcerting"? Do ya think she knows the true meanning of the word? Also...when you call someone to dash their dreams over the phone, please take the time to drink some coffee beforehand, because when you yawn every five minutes...well...THAT'S disconcerting.

3) Why am I still searching for a job in design? What does it take to become a "suit"? I don't give a damn about selling out or whatever you want to call it-I'm sick of living the poor life. I'd much rather pursue a career where I can afford a new car instead of worrying about whether or not I have enouh in my account to cover the next round of bills.

4) When did all of my friends start having more sex than me? The monestary called me today, they want their lifestyle back. Sheesh.

5) Is it terrible to wear a Livestrong bracelet when you smoke?

6) "The Man who Knew Too Little" was a much funnier movie in memory than it actually was when I watched it again the other night.

7) Hanging out with a friend that's moving away is bittersweet, because although they're leaving, they give you all kinds of stuff that they don't feel like moving.

8) I need...NEED...my own place again.

BIG Monday...hooHAH

2005-04-04T14:57:00.000-07:00

I stayed up a little later than usual watching Finding Neverland last night, but this morning I was promptly chewed out/torn a new one by my mother when she walked in at 8:30am and saw I was still laying in bed watching ESPN. Great. Just some more motivation to get my own place while I am subsiding here in the 'patch.

Although I had nothing on my agenda until 3pm today, I got up, cleaneed up, and ran downstairs to check my email (A huge brown spider dropped on my arm while I was typing, and when I saw it wasn't a plastic gag insect, I freaked, flicked it, and if you've ever seen Ferris Bueller's Day off when Ferris' sister high kicks Rooney's face in her kitchen, then high tails it outta there...then you can imagine what I did as soon as I flicked that beast off my arm).

I decided to go out and visit my t-shirt design client, and he was busy printing up Illini final four t-shirts today (GO ILLINI!)...I have a deal with him to start getting small jobs during the week with him, and the bigger custom t's that I'd be designing for him will still be at the regular piece rate we had arranged from last summer. I just need to get a contract drafted and signed off on. Might not be a bad arrangement. I also snagged one of the orange tees before I bolted outta there.

Met my old man for lunch, gave him the shirt and then went to look at an office that I might move into over on 7th and adams...free rent, and it will allow me to geet the hell outta the basement. I.E., no more huge wolf spiders dropping down to scare the bloody fock outta me.

I then went out to Washington park, read a few chapters of that stupid software tutorial book, and soaked up some sun. Ahhhhh

Then I had my meeting with the ad agency here in town, received big kudos for my work on this website design, and was given some more work to keep myself occupied for the next few days. All illustrative too. That, my friends, is simply money in my pocket. Dig that.

They also told me that if I was interested, they might hire me on as a full time designer. Not too shabby...this place is the top agency in town from what I gather, and they're all extremely nice. I wouldn't mind the benefits too...

So yeah...just got back from a long, windy bike ride in the park again, and I think I'll be playing basketball at the gym later this evening.

Word to yo baby brutha.

Last Night-

2005-03-28T07:58:00.000-08:00

I was hanging out with my pal Teddy, and he gave me a poster tube when I walked in the door...I had forgotten that about a month or so ago I stopped off at the Kerasotes bldg downtown with him while he picked up a poster for his cousin, and when I saw it, I told him it was pretty cool...then asked if he had anymore to hand out.

I got mine last night. Pretty cool...but then again, I'm a comic nerd, so whatever. It looks like this on both sides, except it's flipped on the other side...type and everything.

Just figured I would add a new image on the blog to f with your dial up connection :)

One more Weekend Recap

2005-03-28T06:08:00.000-08:00

Ah yes...it came up fast and practically without warning...and just before I had a chance to turn my head to get a better look at it, BAM!!-Good Friday hit me like a 250lb defenseman going full tilt.

Good Friday is SUCH a gd misnomer...At least the morning part was. I was pulled over in the morning by a Leland Grove policeman for an expired car registration sticker (my fault, yes, but come ON...that just sucks). I had a phone call from the apple store here in town telling me that I am the proud owner of a $200 metal paperweight (a slightly used external hard drive should last longer than a year, you'd think). When I arrived home from picking that up, I had a letter from one of the national comic syndicates...BONNNNNNG. Although it was a nice, cordial and personalized rejection letter...I could see nothing but slipping percentage points when I stared at it. My chances are slipping with this letter, damn it.

I know...by this point I wasn't feeling that half-full glass mentality very much.

I ended up running out for lunch with Shoo, Kyle, Ed and Jessie at Suzie-Q's, which was pretty fun. I suppose that if you were to pinpoint a moment in my day when the negativity stopped blasting me, it was right around this time.

We ate, then grabbed an ice cream at 31 flavas before I went home and f'd around for a while. The t-shirt design company here in town offered me a full time gig...I will have to reply to that email with a salary request today. Pay up biotch....still owe me for three designs, damn it.

As for the night life/social scene...L was in town this weekend and we got together for dinner and a movie back at my place Friday evening. Saturday night I went to Coz' for the game with a couple of friends, and L stopped in for a drink, but after she left, the game got crazy, and I was so damned drained after the overtime finished I went home, crashed out by 11pm, and slept like the dead.

And now-behold! It's Monday. SIGH.

Thursday already? Great.

2005-03-24T14:09:00.000-08:00

Yep, well, I've read about 200 pages out of 500 from a Flash manual this week...anyone that has some familiarity with this stuff knows how easy it is to fall asleep when you're halfway through the first paragraph. I actually feel new areas in my brain opening up to the knowledge I'm imbibing. That, and I woke up to find my glasses had become horn rims and were wrapped in the middle with white tape. Yeah. Dorkin it.

I played some basketball last night at the club with my pal Teddy, and he pushed me around like his little bitch. Great fun, getting spanked 11-4 like that. I slept in til 8:30am this morning...apparently I was even more beat than I had thought. I need to get him out on the ice for a hockey game, and then I can repay the physical abuse he seems to enjoy doling out on me on the court. All I know is that it's not as difficult to hit those big guys silly when they're standing on skates as it is when they're charging to the basket. But enough meathead talk.

I met my father downtown for lunch, and I was a guest at the ABC (american business club/ambucs) luncheon meeting. Pretty fun time. Although I was introduced to a nice round of applause (my dad is a past president of the club), I don't know if I really would fit in very well. I doubt there were any members there in the creative field. Nice time, regardless.

Oh-yesterday I took my forms to my accountant in Champaign, and he tells me that I will only end up paying about $1100 to the man, instead of the 3-4K I was expecting. Which is huge, considering I already have that much saved up in my account. Hoorah.

I need that comic strip to get approved...and I will be the biggest licensing and merchandising whore since Sparky Schultz. Mark my words. That guy had his own ice rink and personal plane. All thanks to a little dog named Snoopy. Yeah, you know you had the bedsheets when you were a kid.

k. I'm out

New week...time to get some edumacation

2005-03-21T11:35:00.001-08:00

Ahh, wotta weekend. Thursday evening I met out with some friends and the aforementioned girl, 'L', I have been talking to, and we celebrated St. Patty's day...actually followed them over to Floyd's for a few more drinks and some quality time. Met a guy that was hanging with this group that, as it turns out, is a 4th degree blackbelt in some martial art (tae kwon doe? whatever it is, it means that he'd break my neck with his pinky finger before I had his jersey over his head, hockey style. Thus my reasoning for never getting into dumb fights off the ice anymore) and everyone had a pretty nice time. I drove 'L' home and dropped her off, then had to wake up at the butt crack o dawn to get going on some animation states on this website I'm collaborating upon with the local ad agency.

I've since seen some of the animation on my artwork that the programmer has completed, and I am really looking forward to seeing the finished project. Should be very cool, and it may even be a good lead-in to more work with them.

Friday night I met out with shoo, Kyle, Em, Jenny, and Kaley for dinner at Galina's pizza, then went over to Floyd's with Kaley and shoo and em for two more beers. Woozah. I was crashed out by 11pm. Got some flak on that one from my alcoholic friends, but ah well.

Saturday, witnessed the Illini pummel Nevada at Coz' Pizza, then went out with my pal Teddy to the Brewhaus...some of his pals had been drinking all day there, and were in tough condition when we arrived at 10...we ended up escorting the guy's wife all the way back to Chatham to help unload these drunkards out of the car and into the house. I especially liked the way one of these guys had to have his head pulled out of the toilet before we left the house. Classy.

Stayed out until 3:30am, and had a decent evening...but ended up getting screamed at by the mother in the morning. Apparently I need to scale back my partying ways. I suppose I have been getting carried away, but this simply reinforces my dire need to get an apartment soon. Very soon. I have an offer from my family to set up my office rent-free downtown if I want, and that would beat the pants off of working out of my current dungeon-esque setting.

Today, I am going over some software tutorials to try and learn me some Flash...and I'm bored silly. It's just that I need to learn this stuff and get to a point where I can make some kickass...yeah, buddy-KICKASS...websites. Maybe even animate some of my artwork.

booyah

On the freelance front...

2005-03-16T14:22:00.000-08:00

Well, I am still trying to get paid from a big job that I collaborated on with an interactive agency in Chicago, for a learning module that they sold to McDonalds...I did the primary illustration work on the set design, and I'm kicking myself for not getting the details of payment down in contract form before I started. Even though we go back...verbal contracts hold about as much cred as a colander holds water. FOCK ME.

Also awaiting word on some back designs I did for a local t-shirt company...he paid well when I was pretty much full time freelancing for him last summer/fall, but I refuse to do any new work until I get paid for three old designs that are still outstanding. I was supposed to do the design for the Barstool Open this winter for him, but it was this reason I passed on it. I'm stubborn, but feeling poor. Arrgh

As for this local ad agency that I am quickly gaining respect within, I am helping them with some digital illustrations that will be used in conjunction with a website they are putting together that will be geared towards high school teens and will educate them about the First Amendment. Edgy, hip, and cool...my only real direction was to provide some MTV'ish styles for them to choose. It's not everyday a designer gets such loose guidelines, and I ran with it. I cannot wait to see what the final product looks like. I'm also very impressed with the employees and owners that I have been collaborating with there. Very nice, great tsenses of humor. The women have redeemed my formerly cynical view of female owners in this business. I am looking forward to working with them in the future.

I dropped off my comic strip to Chris Britt at the State Journal Register the other day, and I'm waiting to hear back from him about what he thinks. Although the general concensus has been overwhelmingly positive, I always enjoy getting the opinions of those guys that do this thing for a living. Since, of course, that's what I'm striving to do.

Oh, and I dropped off my resume to the Journal Register as well...they posted an ad on Sunday looking for a graphic artist. So...yeah.

That's about it for now. Happy St. Pats everyone

Feeling a bit Irish...

2005-03-13T19:39:00.000-08:00

Wotta weekend. Wow. I mean, really...WOW.

I travelled to Bloomington this past Friday evening to spend some time with a very smart, very attractive someone that I've been talking to for about a week or so, and she was able to put up with me and my nonsense for the evening. We had a pretty good time, ate at Chevy's (my first time there, but definitely lived up to the hype...we were STUFFED), and then saw Sideways at the not-so-local cineplex. The movie was decent...I can now say that I have seen every movie that was up for best picture this year in the theaters. I still say Ray was the best of all four. After grabbing a bagel with her at Panera, I dropped her off and drove up to Chicago to meet up with my friends for a St. Pat's celebration at the Abbey Pub.

Here's where you can start laughing at me.

We started drinking at noon. Guiness was $5 a pint, and the other beers weren't exactly on discount. I had to make a conscious effort not to count my rapidly dwindling wad of cash that I had arrived with, and eventually I began to enjoy myself altogether waaaay too much. I was there until 9:30pm. That's a pretty long time to be putting them back at the pace we were going. But hey, what can I say? Old man has the drinking skills.

Aside from seeing Detroit Duffy, Irish Tim from Philly, and the rest of the crew, I befriended a hockey team from Boston that was in town to play in some local tourney. We conglomerated our groups together, and after that...well...shit, after that I was still plastered. Good times. Did I make out with random girls? Hell no. Did I get phone numbers on the dance floor? You have obviously never witnessed my dance moves. Did I get in a fight? Naw, but I nearly had a Cubbie fan enraged at me...until he saw my boston hockey bruddas get behind me and snarl at him. He was pretty cool after that.

I was out cold by 10pm. Fun times...and thank GOD it's once a year. My liver is still reeling today.

Hope everyone else had a good weekend!

Thursday Morning- Ahhhh-almost weekend again

2005-03-10T08:27:00.002-08:00

So...yesterday was interesting. I had a meeting with an ad agency here in town that needed some assistance with some design and illustration work on a website they're working on for the first amendment, geared towards high school age kids. Right up my alley, since my maturity level is still hovering right around that age...yeah... ;)

Afterwards I swung out to the Church of the Little Flower to pay my respects to one of my best friend's girlfriend's family-her mother passed away on Sunday from a short bout with leukemia. She had undergone two rounds of chemotherapy, and was getting steadily worse when she succombed to the cancer. She was a nurse in St. John's neonatal ward, so chances are she may have helped when I was born. Small town, indeed. I hate wakes, funerals...but I love my friends, and that's part of friendship. It was open casket too. I did not eat dinner last night. Not hungry.

So, I have some character development to work on today and tomorrow...and a few home page designs to create before I get going North.

All in all, not too bad. I have also decided to get my professional certification as a personal trainer...I have some free time, I'm back in fairly decent shape again, and I have a degree in sports science that has never been applied. WTF...why not, right?

Have you ever?

2005-03-08T07:10:00.000-08:00

The things I have never actually done are in bold.

1)I’ve Never Kissed A Member Of The Opposite Sex
2)I’ve Never Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
3)I’ve Never Crashed A Friend’s Car
4)I’ve Never Been To Japan
5)I’ve Never Been In A Taxi
6)I’ve Never Been In Love
7)I’ve Never Had Sex In Public
8)I’ve Never Been Dumped
9)I’ve Never Done Cocaine
10)I've Never Shoplifted
11)I’ve Never Been Fired
12)I’ve Never Been In A Fist Fight
13)I’ve Never Had Group Intercourse (other couple in same room, different bed...does that count?)
14)I’ve Never Snuck Out Of My Parents’ House (never successfully!)
15)I’ve Never Been Tied Up
16)I’ve Never Regretted Having Sex With Someone (see #31)
17)I’ve Never Been Arrested
18)I’ve Never Made Out With A Stranger
19)I’ve Never Stolen Something From My Job
20)I’ve Never Celebrated New Years In Time Square
21)I’ve Never Gone On A Blind Date
22)I’ve Never Lied To A Friend
23)I’ve Never Had A Crush On A Teacher
24)I’ve Never Celebrated Mardi Gras In New Orleans
25)I’ve Never Been To Europe
25)I’ve Never Skipped School
26)I’ve Never Slept With A Co-Worker
27)I’ve Never Cut Myself On Purpose
28)I’ve Never Had Sex At The Office
29)I’ve Never Been Married
30)I’ve Never Been Divorced
31)I’ve Never Had Sex With More Than One Person Within The Same Week
32)I’ve Never Posed Nude
33)I’ve Never Gotten Someone Drunk Just To Have Sex With Them
34)I’ve Never Killed Anyone
35)I’ve Never Received Scars From My Sex Partner
36)I’ve Never Thrown Up In A Bar
37)I’ve Never Purposely Set A Part Of Myself On Fire
38)I’ve Never Eaten Sushi
39)I’ve Never Been Snowboarding
40)I’ve Never Had Sex At A Friend’s House While They Were Throwing A Party
41)I’ve Never Had Sex In A Dressing Room
42)I’ve Never Flashed Anyone
43)I’ve Never Met Anyone From Online
44)I've never been to a circus
45) I've never seen/had an encounter with a ghost

Yeah, A few of these are ancient memories, but why lie? Yikes...

Zee week has arrived- Sheet. Fork.

2005-03-07T15:57:00.000-08:00

Um, yeah... copious amounts of caffeine has turned me into a jittery mess tonight. I've got a rendezvous planned with my gym later, so hopefully I can burn off all this crazy energy. Seriously, does anyone else get this way from a few mountain dews and a chocolate bar (yeah, I despise diets, so make fun of my nutritional debacle all ya want)?

Finished painting my room today, pulled up the carpet, decided NOT to refinish the floor and I am opting for new carpet instead. Ah. Problem solved...swept under the rug, if you will.

~ducks shoe being hurled at head~

I received my payment from a cllient in Florida this afternoon. Ya know, I don't mind telecommuting on jobs, but the risk of having someone stiff you on a bill is always on my mind. Not that I was worried about this client/friend, but you know...I have to get better about asking for the 50% payment up front. ESPECIALLY when I have taxes coming up in a month. Anyone else out there struggling to come up with a few grand they should have saved from their 1099's? Yeah...just me. damn.

I have decided to run a marathon. Tonight. At the gym. On a treadmill. Wearing a pink bikini brief. And elven shoes.

Damn the caffeine.

I have to draw, have to draw, have to draw...oh hey, the original Rocky is playing on tv...have to draw, have to draw...hmm...maybe I should go read that last five chapters of my book...GOTTA draw..

Damn the ADD. Night y'all.